Woman Goes for Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead

31 March 2008

Frunkfart, Germany (Krapsody) - A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, according to FoxNews.com

When I read some German woman got a new a-hole, I thought it meant she got remarried...

If you think you’re having a bad day, at least you didn’t accidentally get a new anus. But if you did accidentally get a new anus, then yes, you are having a bad day.

D. B. Cooper Parachutes to Infamy

Washingbum, D.B. - Legendary folk hero D. B. Cooper (aka "Dan Cooper", also "Dick Butt Cooper") is an alias of an aircraft hijacker who, on November 24, 1971, after receiving a ransom payout of US $200,000, jumped from the back of a Boeing 727 as it was flying over the Pacific Northwest of the United States somewhere over the Cascade Mountains, possibly over Woodland, Washington. And fell off the face of the earth, literally.

For the last 36 years, no conclusive evidence has surfaced regarding Cooper's whereabouts; the FBI believes he did not survive the jump. The entire bureau is hoping he is smoking a turd in hell.

Local authorities believes he landed safely after parachuting from the jet plane and went mad in the wilderness trying to find his way out, an ironic fate since Cooper had everything else planned out so well. Several theories offer competing explanations of what happened after his famed jump. Some say he made his way to Canada and bought a moose farm while others say he joined a traveling circus. These may well be a fate worse than death.

And so the nature of Cooper's escape and the uncertainty of his fate continue to intrigue people. The Cooper case (code-named "Norjak" by the FBI, and "Nowjackmeyhoffer" and "Kojak looks like Daddy Warbucks" by the United States BFI Dept.) remains an unsolved mystery.

A shot of D. B. Cooper's FBI wanted poster.



A shot of D. B. Cooper's BFI wanted poster.




Although the case is famous for its enduring lack of evidence, a few significant clues have arisen. The first clue: Cooper said, "I have a bomb, you are being hijacked". Then he jumped. In late 1978, a placard, which contained instructions on how to lower the aft stairs of a 727, believed to be from the rear stairway of the plane from which Cooper jumped, was found just a few flying minutes north of Cooper's projected drop zone. In February 1980, eight-year-old Brian Ingram found approximately $5,800 in decaying $20 bills on the banks of the Columbia River.

In October of 2007, the FBI announced it obtained a partial DNA profile of Cooper from the tie he left on the hijacked plane. On December 31, 2007, the FBI revived the unclosed case by publishing never before seen composite sketches and fact sheets online in an attempt to trigger memories that could possibly identify Cooper. In a press release, the FBI reiterated that it does not believe Cooper survived the jump, but expressed an interest in obtaining his identity. They express they have a hard time getting the big picture with such a small screen and acknowledge that they don't have a clue.

On Wednesday March 26, 2008, the FBI announced that another possible clue was being investigated after a torn, tangled parachute was unearthed within the bounds of Cooper's probable jump site near the town of Amboy, Washington. The FBI is still uncertain if the parachute was the one used by D. B. himself, but they are still investigating the origins of the chute and are relying on an expert's examination or scientific analysis of the fabric.



If it is Cooper's parachute, that will solve one mystery -- where he apparently landed -- but it will raise another.

If he survived, where in the plane-jacking-dropped-off-the-face-of-the-earth-sam-hell is he?

Canadian moose farms and traveling circus theories aside, he's probably working on his tan somewhere in Mexico, sipping margaritas, eating lots of tamales and smoking a cuban wrapped in $20 bills. However other sources state they spotted D. B. at a recent Mardi Gras festival, having the time of his life.

Do Dinosaurs Believe in Christians?

Sun, Mar 23, 2008

Easter Island (Krapsody) - Since Easter is here once again, what better time than to ask another burning question that has been on the minds of great thinkers from far and wide - this occurred to me as I stumbled across a lengthy, quarrelsome and hilarious discussion on BlogCatalog.com regarding whether or not Christians believe in dinosaurs. In lieu of challenging logically unanswerable questions answered with meaningless statements, I've decided to turn the tables and ask: Do dinosaurs believe in Christians?

RIPdogs Prepare to Meet RIPlolcats

Andy Fanton's sensation, the RIPdogs have seen their day. Like any internet fad they had their five minutes of fame and people grew tired of them. The internet was quoted as saying,

R u guyz serisly JUS now finding out about LOLcats n RIPdogs?
rofl I don understand y everythin has 2 b spelled rong, itz rather annoying.
RIPdogs already a passed phase, so u can haves them now, if you’d like.
We don’t want them anymore! U loze at Internet. RIPlolcats haz win.

Love,

Internets

Did I read that correctly?! RIPlolcats haz win! Sorry Andy. Meet my newest creation the RIPlolcats.

One day soon we can bring back RIPdogs with the "moment before it happened" shots like this.



Don't get me started on the RIPloldogs or those damned LOLruses.

Are We Giving Robots Too Much Power?

21 March 2008

This just in:

Our newly self-appointed leader President Executron describes humans as oxygen breathing weakling organ sacks that will be replaced by shiny metal bots. Bow down before your robot masters!

Are robots our friends? Click here to find out.

LOLcats Prepare to Meet RIPdogs

The LOLcats finally have met their match and subsequent doom!
If you are unfamiliar with LOLcats click the links and shown is an example

Lolcats Funny Pictures - I Can Has Cheezburger?
http://www.lolcats.com/

Apparently it doesn't stop with just cats. Trilobites, turtles, gators and other animals are all inclusive.

But no one until now has done this with dogs!

Andy Fanton, creator of the Gaup came along & has decided to end the illustrious career of the LOLcats! Meet the RIPdogs gaup: doing the dirty on the chests of the famous.

I created these RIPdogs for inclusion, now throw these hounds on the bandwagon.





RIPdogs will ultimately overtake the LOLcats and become the newest internet fad. RIPdogs forever!

Arthur C. Clarke dies at 90

Mar 18, 2008 - Sir Arthur C. Clarke, a visionary science fiction writer who co-wrote "2001: A Space Odyssey" and won worldwide acclaim with more than 100 books on space, science and the future, died Wednesday, an aide said. He was 90 yrs old.

Clarke, who had battled debilitating post-polio syndrome since the 1960s, died at 1:30 a.m. in his adopted home of Sri Lanka after suffering breathing problems.

A very sad day indeed for sci-fi geeks everywhere. Goodbye Art! I shall watch the movie '2001: a Space Odyssey' over and over while tripping acid. The beginning and the end will be different every time, and it's all Stanley Kubrick's fault for giving out hits at the premiere in 1968 making viewers addicted to mind altering substances and his extraordinary filmmaking. I was just a wee little hippie cave-dwelling freak then, barely a twinkle in a hallucinating prehistoric monkey's eye. Oh, our minds will never be the same!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with 2001, you can watch a few of clips from the greatest science fiction novel turned into a movie...EVER.

The Short Version: Knuckle-Dragging-Protruding-Forehead-Drool-Laden-Smelly Troglodyte Friendly

The Shorter Version: ADD Friendly


If you look hard enough at the end, you'll see Mr. Clarke
dancing inside the mysterious monolith from Jupiter.

But what really made this movie captivating, I think, was the music, don't you?

The Movie Version: Ear Friendly

Have you ever taken a dump to this song? A dump has never been so epic let me tell you. Actually, anything you do to this song is epic. Try it... go ahead, anything... in slow motion of course.

The Original Budget Friendly Version


Man, that version of the song really sucked. It's a good thing they changed it.

However, I believe this by far is the best 2001 soundtrack. I can't imagine why they didn't use this in the final edit. It's a keeper.

And I can't leave out a 2001 movie blooper!

All sound effects courtesy Stanley Kubrick.


For those of you who are still confused, then I haven't given up on you.
Enjoy this descriptive animation of the movie and novel:
The Space Odyssey explained
http://www.kubrick2001.com/

Gymnast Routine with a Surprise

A gymnast goes about her routine until....


Funny videos

The Darwin Awards

The Darwin Awards described as 'A Chronicle of Enterprising Demises Honoring those who improve the species...by accidentally removing themselves from it!' The 2007 Winners have been announced! Let's hope none mentioned are related to you. And if they are, my condolences. May they forever be remembered as being courageous, throwing caution to the wind whenever the mood struck them... silly, unconscious or dead.

More astoundingly stupid judgments abound with the nominees for 2008, here are their final moments recorded for historians to chuckle, snicker and chortle at.

Chemistry Went Over Her Head
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(2 February 2008, Bulgaria) It was a cold but sunny February afternoon. Lidia, a biology teacher from Sofia, was driving home from a memorial service, accompanied by her husband and a friend. Suddenly, the vehicle stopped. Bystanders saw all three occupants dash from the car to a nearby manhole, and start pouring down liquids and powders from various bottles and jars.

Apparently, Lidia had been doing chemistry experiments in her free time, and had some noxious chemicals left over. It is still not entirely clear what the chemicals were, but two of the bottles had labels: diethyl ether and methanol, both highly flammable substances. The former is also used as a sedative, so one explanation for their actions is that they felt dizzy from the ether vapors, and thought it was a good idea to pour them in the sewer.

As it turns out, a good idea it definitely was not. The cocktail of flammable substances in the enclosed space of the sewer caused an explosion so powerful that it launched the manhole cover into the air, decapitating the (briefly) surprised Lidia. Left without a head on her shoulders, she decided it was time to kick the bucket.

The other two people were not left unharmed, but were alive. They were taken to the hospital with burns on their faces. After several hours in the operating room, it appeared unlikely that they will regain their eyesight, but hopefully are able to speak well enough to tell their children that tossing random chemicals down the drain is not as wise as it might at first appear.

Wascally Wabbit
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin

Snowmobiles and alcohol are a dangerous mix. Then came the rabbit.

After a day spent partying and racing snowmobiles in the wilderness, a group of snowmobilers headed back to their cabin. Up popped a jackrabbit! The snowmobilers gave chase. Several collisions were narrowly averted, and all snowmobiles backed off... except one.

This snowmobiler kept his eye on the quarry and rapidly closed in. The rabbit darted aside to save itself. The snowmobiler closed in again. The rabbit ran toward the road, where there was less snow. Trying to ram his rabbit before it crossed the road, the man accelerated to Mach 1. But the rabbit had other ideas. It escaped into the culvert beneath the road.

Witnesses stated that the snowmobiler never braked. There was a metallic crunch as the accelerating vehicle rammed into the culvert, followed by a blast that shattered the snowmobile into a thousand bits.

This brand of snowmobile had a fuel tank mounted in front. The culvert admitted the tip of the snowmobile, then cut into the cowling, spilling fuel over the hot engine. The body of the snowmobiler was blown twenty feet back into the field.

The rabbit's whereabouts was unknown.

Moderator Bruce speculates, "Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd?"
Alternate title: "Hare Today, Gone Tomorrow"

Pulling a Boner
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(2 February 2008, New York) A 50-year-old man was bird hunting in Upstate New York with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. They stopped for a smoke, and he noticed that his dog had found a bone. It was a deer leg! The man tried to take the bone away from the dog. Like any right thinking dog, the animal would not relinquish its treasure, and stayed just out of reach.

Frustrated with this blatant show of disobedience, the man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle and began wielding it like a club. Each time he swung it, the dog dodged. Suddenly the "club" struck the ground and fired, shooting the man in the abdomen. His friends called 911 and he was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he died from his injuries.

He did remain conscious long enough to confirm this account to police; otherwise, his poor friends might now be under suspicion of murder.

At least he didn't hit the dog!

Pierced!
2008 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(January 2008, Pennsylvania) A 23 year old man with various body piercings decided to see what it would feel like to connect his workplace test equipment to his chest piercings. Several co-workers tried to convince him that it was a bad idea to connect himself to the electronic control tester. He ignored their pleas and proceeded to connect two alligator clips to his piercings. He hit the test button...

When the police and rescue personnel arrived, his co-workers were still trying to revive him with CPR and rescue breathing. They were not successful.

Talk about shock and awe.

And a few more honorable mentions that have made the nominee list so far.

Flaming Shot (near miss)
Some friends and I were having drinks at a party. After consuming many cocktails, we had a 'BRILLIANT' idea to pour a shot of 'GRAIN ALCOHOL' and set it on 'FIRE' and drink it. I believe the ultimate goal was to impress the ladies present...

Pining Away (Unconfirmed)
Three young men had finished their basic training and decided to spend their few days of leave with one's grandmother, before heading out to their respective assignments. Grandmother had a swing job to make ends meet, so the privates were left alone late into the night...

Into the Abyss (Unconfirmed)
An enterprising lumberman jacked up the rear end of his pickup, attached one end of a rope to the tire rim, and the other end of the rope to a large felled tree. He put the pickup into gear, apparently expecting the rim to act as a makeshift rope crank that would pull the tree up the steep embankment...

Gov. Eliot Spitzer Tells All

Federal agents have determined New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer used a high-priced call-girl ring at least eight times in recent months, agents had him under surveillance twice this year which led up to his getting caught. This lurid sex scandal ends the brash, ambitious career of New York's governor. On March 12, 2008 the disgraced politician stepped down, saying, "I did not live up to what was expected of me", and he cannot allow his "private failings to disrupt the public's work." His resignation as governor of New York is effective on March 17.

But the clues to his demise go years back. Gov. Spitzer gave an exclusive interview with Krapsody reporter Dubious Monk giving you an inside look into this recent scandal.


Dubious Monk: If you haven't heard by now, Eliot Spitzer the Governor of New York was caught with his tailored trousers down in a little prostitution probe. Although whom was probing whom and with what is still not clear. Once describing himself as a political "steamroller." In the end this proud politician appears to have only crushed himself. Thank you for joining us today Gov. Spitzer!

Gov. Spitzer: Thank you, Dubious.

Dubious Monk: The people of New York and the entire country would like to know why you spent taxpayers money on high-priced call-girls and not $5.00 prostitutes like every other politician? Can you shed any light on why you would do such a thing and where your morals were at the time when you thought you could get away with such inconceivable actions?

Gov. Spitzer: Everyone should know by now that in order to succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles, by throwing them out the window. Frankly, I just wanted to relieve my "blue balls". Can you blame a guy? Just because I held a public office and declared I was against common citizens and other officials engaging in illicit sex with street walkers, old ladies, gay boys, or call-girls at these sex clubs doesn't mean I don't like doing that too. I got bored with internet porn and with common prostitutes, they're used goods man. Hookers hardly bathe between johns, they carry diseases and their crack habits were too much for me to bear. You have to pay for the good stuff. Since I was caught shagging it, I had to step down from my public office for partaking in an indecent act at the people's expense.

Dubious Monk: Well in fact sir, there were eight occasions that we know of where you visited the premises of these call-girls called the Emperors Club VIP.

Gov. Spitzer: Whatev. (shrugs)

Dubious Monk: And did you have to step down from your office necessarily? You talk as if there is more to the story.

Gov. Spitzer: It seemed like the best thing to do before people starting digging and snooping into my affairs more. They would have found out I liked not only high-priced call-girls, but TS, TV, and bukkake barnyard animal action too, an act I like to refer to as 'Schpitzing'. And by golly I like my spankings and getting my weiner slapped at least once a day. God Bless America.

Dubious Monk: Can you say that since you were once considered a ferocious governor who broke up several of these very same sex rings you visited, that you can still avoid possible legal repercussions and potential disbarment after a sex scandal such as this?

Gov. Spitzer: Sure, why not? Look at Pres. Bill Clinton, Dubious. He bonked more than just Monica Lewinski in the oval office I'm sure. The only difference is I chose not to lie about it and immediately stepped down from my office. I admit I visited the massage parlors, the street corner floozies and call-girls every chance I got, including on my lunch hour during the week, also after the work day was over, and on weekends when my wife thought I was golfing. I've been doing it for years! I'm a sex addict ferchrissakes. No one needs to know that. Edit that please. Besides I can just use more taxpayer money to hire the best legal defense in the country that money could buy. Edit that also.

Dubious Monk: Really now. You mock the american people, hard working honest citizens Gov. Spitzer. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Gov. Spitzer: I'm fapping it right now Dubious.

Dubious Monk: You disgust me sir.

Gov. Spitzer: That's what they all say.

Dubious Monk: You heard it here folks. Gov. Eliot Spitzer, not just a pervert, but an asshole.

Also read :

Top 10 Signs Your Husband Is Part of a High-class Prostitution Ring

The Onion: US Schools Trail World In Child Soldier Aptitude

A shocking new study finds U.S. children lag far behind their international peers in subjects like rifle assembly and mine defusing.

Ask Static

I recently sifted through my email and amongst the thousands of spams I receive, I occasionally get the love and hate mail. Usually with subject lines such as, "Hey Static, I love you! Will you be the father of my children?" or "Hey Static, you are an irredeemably licentious cock-faced parasite and a belligerent, web-polluting tainted spawn of a syphilitic swamp hog!"

These are always wonderful inclusions and quite refreshing next to such headings as "Same meds but much cheaper", "REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE", "Make $225,000 And More Every Day!", "do you want a bigger p3n1s?" Occasionally I just get asked a variety of questions. Albeit odd questions at times. So in response to this cry for help I've decided to start my own advice column: Ask Static! Eat your heart out Ann Landers.

Predictions for 2008

Wonder what predicaments, I mean, predictions might be in the works for the year to come? Well, so do I. Here's a few to mull over.
I wanted to know what my situation at work would be this year. What better place to do that than JobPredictor.com - job agencies with a personal touch. Here's what I got.

Hey thanks for your query, I have checked out everything about you and I predict that your ideal job Static is a Village Idiot. Good luck in your new career.

Yeah, thanks. Until there is a presidential opening that job is taken. Either way I guess not much is going to change in my case then?

Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.. Layabouts.. Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered! - Monty Burns

Where did you receive your training?' 'Yale.' 'Good, and what's your name?' 'Yim Yohnson.' - Anonymous

Since my dreams of becoming a weatherman have been crushed, I can no longer deliver predictions like -

And your future forecast says:
Chance of snow at night... a chance of morning hailstorms. Either way, it's a global warming trend you're still going to fry. 20 years from now when there's another ice age, you'll be crying it's too cold. Today's high 105F (94C). Today's low -5F (-20C). Winds out of the Northeast, South and Eastern Westerly direction at 155 to 265 mph.

Thought for today:
I'm not a real meteorologist, I just play one on the web.

Or you can just absorb these predictions instead.

In case you were planning on skipping most of 2008 in a drug-induced coma, I have taken the liberty of making some stellar predictions about the new year, designed as a sort of "Sparks Notes" for a 365 day boredom-fest. I'm pretty sure most of these predictions will come true, but if they don't you can't be all pissy about it.

January

- After a slew of pregnant celebrities finally unload their cargo, celebrity baby photos will replace the dollar in American currency. Canadians, eager to cash in on the new economic trends of their big brother to the South, will attempt to force their celebs to get pregnant and spit out kids. Sometime in March, they'll realize that Canada has precisely zero female celebrities, and will instead decide to print Looney Toons characters on the Canadian Loonies, in a cruel, sad, and decidedly unfunny development.

- After his playoff loss to the New York Giants, Cowboys' receiver Terrell Owens opens up a popcorn franchise entitled "T.O.P. C.O.R.N.", an acronym for "Terrell Owens' Pop Corn is Outstanding and Really Nice." His sales are abysmal.

February

- Valentines Day is renamed Buy Shit for Women Day.

- A contingency on Capitol Hill led by Senator Barack Obama proposes legislation to extend February 3 days into March in order to properly celebrate Black History Month. The bill does not pass, and Obama is subtly reminded by Congress that he really isn't "that black."

March

-On the heels of his Super Bowl win, New England Patriots' Quarterback Tom Brady proposes to his supermodel girlfriend Gisele Bundchen. Gisele happily accepts, releasing a statement that she was "relieved to be rid of the name 'Bundchen'," and "eager to get to know Randy Moss."

- Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich abruptly decides to drop out of the race for the White House. In a brief press conference, he shouts "Can't catch me lucky charms!" and flies away in a marshmallow hot air balloon.

April

- On April first, Paris Hilton declares to her fans that she has been tested and is STD free. She doesn't get the joke, but her doctor does, and so does the rest of the world.

-The Smashing Pumpkins release another album on the heels of Zeitgeist, their "pay-whatever-you-want" internet smash of 2007. This time, however, the band decides not to put the CD online. Instead Billy Corgan personally hides 500,000 copies of the album around the world, creating a scavenger hunt for the ages.

May

-Osama bin Laden is finally captured by United States forces stationed in Afghanistan. Amazingly, terrorist attacks continue to occur. Intelligent people around the world are not particularly surprised.

-The American Idol competition is abruptly put on hold while bureaucrats nationwide attempt to gather enough food to satiate last year's fourth place finisher Lakisha Jones, who has ballooned to 500 lbs. and taken over a small colony in Southern Massachusetts.

June

- Art Van Furniture has a really awesome clearance sale!

- The Boston Celtics capture the NBA Championship, leading to the drunken destruction of over 30% of the East coast. President Bush declares a state of emergency, but calls off the national guard two weeks later when he gets a sweet "Bush #1" Celtics uniform.

July

- A heat wave cripples the nation and drought wrecks most of the Southern United States. Most people decide to "check that global warming thing out one more time."

- Britney Spears dies at the age of 26, from an apparent drug overdose and Taco Bell binge. In an ironic twist, her 8-months pregnant sister Jamie Lynn decides not to wear panties to Britney's funeral. All of American witnesses the televised fall of its own standards and decency.

August

- Martha Stewart returns to jail on her own free will after drinking a little too much White Zinfandel and heading out to a party in a striped blouse and a polka dotted skirt. At least she matches in that orange jumpsuit.

- McDonalds unveils its new "Fit for Fat" clothing line designed for obese Americans who had one cheeseburger too many. Top sellers include the XXXL Double Cheese Pleated Pants and the McNightgown.

September

- 6 students from California Poly Technical Institute get laid after swooning a group of ladies in a heated session of World of Warcraft. They never log out again.

-Columbia University releases a study stating that hammerhead sharks can actually respond to a series of flashing lights and repeat up to ten of them in a given sequence. Instead of wondering why the hell their tax money is being spent on retarded experiments, Americans determine that sharks would make good "Simon" partners.


October

-Dave Chapelle is found in Nairobi. Coked out of his mind, Chapelle was trying to create an episode for his old show out of sticks, dirt, and a 4 lb. pile of his own feces. Everyone agrees to just let him be.

- Saw V is released, just in time for no one to give a shit. In other Halloween news, trick-or-treaters nationwide cause the deaths of 492 senior citizens who apparently thought travel-sized toothpaste tubes and pennies were better than candy.


November

- Hillary Clinton is elected as the next president of the United States, proving that 58% of Americans are dumb enough to think that if your spouse can do something well, so can you.

-Celebrity crackhead extraordinaire Amy Winehouse finally unwraps her beehive hairdo, prompting the discovery of three missing children, a koala, the pick of destiny and $1.65.

December

- For the first two weeks of December, the entire Midwest is deafened by the gloating of the rednecks who left their Christmas decorations up from last year.

- Santa Claus' reindeer are seized by PETA representatives, assuredly preventing the jolly old elf from delivering presents on Christmas Eve. But being a quick thinker, Claus instead ties the PETA people to his reigns. The presents take 253 days to deliver, but everyone gets a big kick out of it.

By The Gerk @ arabianmonkey.com

Looks Like the Joke is on Someone Else

LiveJournal user hydrogen_crane posted a recent entry on their blog, thinking my post about a satirical Daily Squib article KKK endorses Obama was actually true.

Click to enlarge


Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!

I hate to disappoint anyone. I didn't even write it and I posted a link to the article at the Daily Squib along with a bold print disclaimer stating: "Note:The Daily Squib is a satirical publication and should therefore not be taken too fu**ing seriously."

It just goes to show you just can't believe everything you see and hear, now can you? This is a prime example of people being incapable of understanding satire. Looks like the joke is on someone else for a change. I liked the reference to Dungeons & Dragons in his post.

If hydrogen_crane happens to be reading this then I do apologize. Stop watching CNN right now. Here's a factual story for you to follow up with on your journal. Happy reporting!

Bush Reveals Tap Water as Prescription Drug Plan

On a day when millions Americans were reeling from the news that there were trace amounts of prescription drugs in their drinking water, President George W. Bush made a stunning announcement at the White House.

“I am responsible for this,” Mr. Bush told reporters. “This is my idea of a prescription drug plan.”

Standing before a banner reading “Prescription Accomplished,” the president said that he hoped providing Americans with free medications via their tap water would prove to be “the finest legacy” of his Administration.



Mr. Bush indicated that America’s drug-laced waters could boost tourism in the U.S., adding that English rocker Pete Doherty was “getting on the next plane over here.”

Read Full Story...

SFW Porn

I don't know why I find the inane or immature arena of fart jokes and whatnot amusing on occasion (okay, most of the time) but it is. I know it's sophomoric. Juvenile even. But I don't care. Quite often I stumble across the most bizarre shit on the internet, and as usual I came across a site I just have to share with readers.

Sfw-porn.com is described as "a little over the top but funny nonetheless" - I'd have to agree. You can't deny the comedic value of painfully ridiculous and poorly photoshopped images like this.

Talk About Getting Screwed

Wow, good thing there's a warning there, because in the event there wasn't the very first thing I'd do with a screwdriver would be to shove it into my penis.

A Job That Really Sucks

On March 3rd in London, a Polish building contractor after being caught in the act with a vacuum cleaner claimed he was cleaning his underpants with Henry Hoover when he was found naked and on his knees in a hospital's staff canteen.

Apparently this is the face that inspired nasty thoughts The worker was supposed to be locking up the building site near the Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital when a stunned security guard discovered him in the middle of a "compromising act" with the cleaner, literally on his knees canoodling with the hose end of a Henry Hoover vacuum which has a large smiley face painted on its front and a hose protruding from its "nose". Shouting in polish, "yes, suck it!" the worker suddenly realizing he had been busted, came up with the unusual excuse. The security guard, suitably horrified according to the Telegraph, knew that something was off and told the man to "clean himself and the hoover" (ad lib. "kindly remove your Flying Purple People Eater from the vacuum hose and get the hell outta here") before asking him to leave and informing his employers. When later questioned by his employers, the man said he was vacuuming his underpants, which was "a common practice in Poland". Of course the people of Poland were outraged by his excuse. A mixed mob of angry and hysterically laughing poles gathered outside the British Embassy in Krakow. One man stated, "This is only done when someone shits their pants, which this man clearly had not done. This is an outrage!" click to enlarge The man's employers at HG Construction, were quoted, "That behaviour is not acceptable, though it gave a few people a laugh. Okay, it gave everyone a laugh and will continue to, so long as it is broadcast on every news station and printed in every newspaper worldwide!". The worker has since been fired. The man is now suing for sexual harassment and discrimination against homosexual Henry Hoover vacuum cleaner relations. Giving a new meaning to the old saying, "He who laughs last, gets to clean the vacuum".

Henry Hoover is described on ShowerRite's website as "famous for its looks, but under its fascia lies a powerful, reliable vacuum cleaner ready to go time and time again." Apparently they didn't realize the sexual innuendo of that statement. And at £118.60 or $238.88, that's alot of bang for your buck (no pun intended).

But guess what? This guy is not the only freak caught doing the nasty with an inanimate object. No! Bizarre sex crimes involving inanimate objects seem to be a trend lately.

A 32-year-old man was arrested in Wiltshire, U.K. for allegedly simulating a sex act with a lamp-post. When they arrived they arrested him on suspicion of outraging public decency.

A police spokesman said officers were called to a road in the town of Westbury on February 16 after they received a report of a man acting indecently outside a block of flats "occupied by several young women". Released on bail the man was recalled for questioning following an investigation into the incident after several interviews with witnesses - including children. He has since been re-released pending further inquiries. The lamp post declined to press charges.


Last year, 51-year-old Robert Stewart was placed on probation for three years after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle. When it's implied that he was trying, I can only assume the bicycle wasn't cooperating.

Naked from the waist down, two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in south west Scotland walked in on him and he paused only to ask, "What is it, hen?", before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex". The court was told that alcohol was the cause of his problems. Along with extreme perversion and pedalphilia (look it up, if it doesn't exist then they haven't added it yet).

In 1993, Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs. He was quoted as saying, "Copulating with electrical outlets was much too shocking."

Also in history, heinous commiters of sex with inanimate objects included Ronald McDonald, who admitted bonking soft serve ice cream dispensers in various McDonald's restaurants, giving a whole new meaning to "Where's the beef?".

Karl Marx, used to romp with farming equipment, which is the real reason leading up to his expulsion from Belgium in 1848.

10,000 B.C. Movie Reviewed by Cavemen

Ugg, me don't know how to say... me have little language skill.

This our review for movie 10,000 B.C. due in theaters March 7.

First, I want to say caveman circa 10,000 B.C. look more like me!
**sniffs grunts**

No, you thinking of 20,000 B.C. Me think they looked handsome like me in 10,000 B.C.!

No, what meant to say was, me think they look nothing like Hollywood depicts us look like.

What?
Don't listen him.
Anyway, 10,000 B.C. has lots of action with plankton, other cave people, sabre tooth tiger and WOOLY mammoth!

Rah YEAH, WOOLY mammoth action!!!
**drools**

What?

10,000 B.C. will be the movie I go see on sly, and pretend it not utter trash, me not completely above watching 10,000 B.C. Really, the lead cavewoman pretty nice piece of prehistoric ass, with spear, so it a can't miss for me. Are there hot blond cavewomen? There gotta be hot blond cavewomen. Hot blond cavewomen...Yum.
Now here some sneak peeks from movie 10,000 B.C.

What the hell was that? Me have no idea what this movie about. 10,000 B.C. looks like it was made in 10,000 B.C. This movie suck.






WOOLY mammoth action!!!
**drools**