Krapsody.com: satire

Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

Obscure Moments in Pop Culture History IV

This is an improvement.

Justin Bieber-Baby(Death Metal Version)

Thanks to AndyRehfeldt for making me LMFAO.

Obscure Moments in Pop Culture History III

Do you know what that is? I know some of you that are old enough to remember them will say it's a plain old typewriter. But you'd be wrong. It's an accordion, one of precious many used by accordion player extraordinaire, George Salvatore Liberace - twin brother of Mr. Showmanship himself, Liberace.

You should know that accordion is priceless! It's handmade. And if you ever find the landfill where it's located don't hesitate to go digging around for it. It's a piece of Polka Rock history.

Krapsody v. Casey Anthony

killing and partying it up: $$ lying and covering it up: $$$ getting away with murder: PRICELESS!

More--->

Why The Rapture Failed

And lo, it came to pass that Macho Man Randy Savage did prevent the impending Rapture. Amen.

Macho Man Randy Savage Dies In Car Accident (5/20/2011 day before Rapture prediction) [Full Story]

Obscure Moments in Pop Culture History II

The Rapture. Tomorrow. Be there or be square. OR don't...it just means more virgins for me, or whatever we get in Heaven. It's Heaven, after all. I am sure you can practically get just about anything you want there. Fried Twinkies drowned in hot fudge on top of a pepperoni pizza wrapped inside of a beef and bean burrito smothered in green salsa stuffed inside of a rack of barbequed spare ribs doused with maple syrup surrounded by a garnish of chocolate truffles dipped in bullcrap. No? I guess it's just me then.

In any event, to make a long story short, all day I've been hearing about and was subjected to some lengthy reading that revealed to me that tomorrow is Official Judgment Day, and seeings as I am a bit short on repentance - at least I think I am (it gets a bit spotty after I've had a few beers at the end of the day) - apparently, I have some heavy repenting to do, in - oh, I dunno...roughly 2 hours, 35 minutes, and 10 seconds.

Obscure Moments in Pop Culture History I

Rove tries in vain to appear hip.

President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle celebrated American poetry with a gathering of poets, musicians, and artists at the White House last Wednesday night.

With relatively harmless Caucasian guests like Aimee Mann, Steve Martin, and Kenneth Goldsmith, it’s not hard to see why the invitation of the relatively uncontroversial rapper Common was politicized by critics of Obama's poetry night celebration.

Most prominently, former Bush adviser, Karl Rove, trash-talked Common on The Sean Hannity Show, because of his "violent and misogynistic music lyrics that advocated assassinating Bush and violence against police."

"Common is nothing but a common thug," Rove cried. "He's a big scary black man. I just couldn't imagine inviting him to the White House for anything, much less to do a rap performance. The only reason he should be there is to mop the floors or serve the guests."

BOOM...HEADSHOT!!

Bin Laden...dead? Just for the record, this is not exclusive footage, nor is it a dramatic reenactment. At best, it is a cheap sloppy imitation, or whimsical imagining. Good day.

Q & A With the Easter Bunny

Jenny: So who is the Easter Bunny, really?

Easter Bunny: I am a part-time test subject for Revlon and I moonlight in the entertainment industry. Maybe you've seen my work in Peter Rabbit, Looney Tunes, and the Cadbury Egg commercial advertisements? I like to talk about myself in third person. Every year near Easter, I preach the words of Jesus and warn children of atheists not to meddle in theology that doesn't belong to them. After these sermons, photo opportunities are generally granted, but only to the pious for $5. My neighbors describe me as "a quiet loner." The rotting corpse of the Energizer Bunny was recently discovered in the Easter Bunny's crawl space. Christ Jebus! Easter has been canceled folks. They found the body. On that note, I have to go now.

p.s. Cadbury Eggs are made from feces of C-list celebrities.

Japan Earthquake Linked to Charlie Sheen

Oh, no, they say he's got to go
Go go Sheenzilla.
(click to embiggen)

Thur. March 17, 2011

Mt. Godzuki, Japan (Krapsody) - Last Friday's magnitude 9.0 quake and subsequent tsunami killed upwards of 5,692, and more than 9,500 people are missing. Tens of thousands more are living in temporary shelters, but only a small handful have been evacuated.

The massive quake damaged a nuclear reactor plant at Fukushima, described by one NPR correspondent from Japan as "probably not as bad as Chernobyl," and another correspondent was quoted as saying, "It's just as bad as Nagasaki, Hiroshima, and Chernobyl combined. It must violate clean air rules by now I would think." Crews are working around the clock to stabilize the reactor before the situation gets any more out of hand.

Meanwhile many homeless citizens gathered around the growing fire at the plant to make shish kabobs and s'mores. One man remarked, "My teeth are glowing a brilliant neon green now, don't you agree?" as he smiled. Indeed his teeth were as green as it gets.

Economy So Bad: Ty Pennington To Host New Spin-off Series

Add this image to your website:

Happy Valentine's Day (Reprise)

"Good morning to you, valentine
Curl your locks as I do mine--
Two before and three behind.
Good morning to you, valentine."

- children of Rome regarding
the celebration of Lupercalia

Here's an observational article that will likely curl your hair, or your toes, and/or both. I wanted to take a moment to wish all of you and yours a Happy Valentine's Day. It's generally a day all men forget about until the last minute. Much like birthdays, anniversaries, and the annual changing of our shorts.

New Study Lends Credibility To Theory That We Don't Know Jack Schitt

Sat. January 1, 2011

Godthåb, Greenland (Krapsody) - By reconstructing the brains of extinct birds, researchers are shedding light on when birds evolved into creatures of flight. Overwhelming evidence suggests birds evolved from dinosaurs some 150 million years ago, but one of the missing pieces to the evolutionary puzzle is how such birds left their gates, taxied down the tarmac and finally took to the air.

Scientists in Greenland are focusing on changes in the size of a part of the rear of the brain. This part of the cerebellum, known as the flatulus (flat-choo-lus), is responsible for integrating visual and balance signals during flight, allowing birds to judge the position of other objects in midflight and release excess flatus.

"We believe we can discover how the flatulus has evolved to deal with different flying abilities, giving us new information about when birds first evolved the power of flight and ultimately, flatus. This of course makes them more buoyant, providing the "aerostatic" lift necessary for flight," said project leader Stig Qarasaasiaq, senior curator of vertebrate palaeobiology at National Museums Greenland.

In collaboration with the University of Crocodile Dundee, investigators are scanning fossils of at least a half-dozen extinct species and the skulls of roughly 100 modern birds in unusual detail. "Unlike medical scanners, which take a series of slice images through an object that may be up to...well, uhh, I don't know exactly how far apart, but it's really small..and the 3-D scanner at the University can be accurate up to..umm, something a bit smaller," Qarasaasiaq said. (The width of a strand of hair is a tad smaller than that.)

And in a related study by the same group, the reconstruction of the brains of extinct Creationists (also known as flatulus antiquitus or "old farts"), researchers reveal when humans mutated into creatures of sub-human species. Overwhelming evidence suggests Creationists probably evolved from apes some 2,000 years ago, but one of the missing pieces to the evolutionary puzzle is how such anthropoids skipped the missing link and basic public school Life Science courses, in addition to their continuation well into the modern era.

When it comes to the modern Creationists, "We are particularly interested in species that are closely related where there are somewhat intelligent and non-intelligent examples, such as Neoconservatives, Tea Party protesters, Fred Phelps, and Glenn Beck," leading project investigator Jack Schitt, told Krapsody.

Schitt went on to add, "I also see a direct correlation between the flatulus in birds and that of the extinct Creationists. The presence of flatus has led to them both being full of hot air. Brain farts are a customary occurrence in mammalia and aves together. This is just common knowledge."

Schitt, who was made famous by his Pulitzer prize-winning articles, "No Schitt, Sherlock" April 25, 1973, and "To Know Me is to Know Something, Apparently – the Autobiographical Lies of Jack Schitt" July 24, 1991, believes this research lends credibility to many theories in regards to the distinct possibility that no one really knows Jack Schitt.

More on this amazing story as it develops.

TSA - It's Better If You Just Cooperate

The TSA would like to take a moment to put holiday traveler's concerns at ease about being forced to choose between allowing a TSA agent to see them naked, or to have their genitals touched and squeezed as part of what the TSA terms "enhanced pat-downs." Remember, the TSA considers your safety and the images produced by Advanced Imaging Technology to be "family friendly."

Hanukkah Ham

Dear Walmart,

Thank you for this bountiful gift. But, oy vey!
It takes a lot of chutzpah to be such a schmuck.
Meshuganah!

Mazel tov,

The Jews

The 12 Days of Christmas (Alternate Version)

Holiday song taken literally. Hilarity ensues.

December 14

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

(read more)
========================================================
December 15

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 16

Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 17

Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

==========================================================
December 18

Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

========================================================
December 19

Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

========================================================
December 20

John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with the freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 21

O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move around in my own house.
Just stop it, smartass. And that's final!

Agnes

=========================================================
December 22

Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes

==========================================================
December 23

You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.

Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

=========================================================
December 24

Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

=========================================================
December 25

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes Farder.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Farder at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Ahole

Phenomenal Accomplishments of Blood That Make Edward Cullen Cream His Jeans

Blood is not just for splatter movies. Blood is the most commonly tested part of the body, and it is truly the river of life. It is vital to bodily function. The average adult has about five liters of blood living inside of their body, coursing through their vessels, delivering essential elements, and removing harmful wastes. Without blood, the human body would stop working. This may explain why those not getting enough of it to the brain are mouth-breathing zombies. Speaking of stupid..here's another infographic to explain the phenomenal accomplishments of blood. Quite sure that Eddie is fapping to this on a regular basis.

Muthafin' Crocodiles on a Muthafin' Plane

Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:14 pm ET

Chicago, IL (Krapsody) - A crocodile hidden in a passenger's bag onboard a plane escaped prompting FBI agent Neville Flynn to say, "Enough is enough! I have had it with these muthafuckin' crocodiles on this muthafuckin' plane! Everybody strap in, Imma 'bout to open some windows," which he did, causing the plane to crash and kill 19 passengers during a flight over Chicago. Ironically the crocodile survived the crash but was killed moments later when a gust of wind hurtled it towards the Superman: Ultimate Flight ride at Six Flags Great America. Breaking it's neck on impact with the twisted steel track, it probably goes without saying that the croc found out what it’s like to fly like the one-and-only Superman.

Doomsday Alert!

Sun Oct 10, 2010 7:17 pm ET

Stuffed in a trunk (Krapsody) - Hey everybody, it's 10/10/10!!! OMG!!!!! What DOES it mean?!
Maybe this. Or maybe this.

Pfft. OK. Or maybe . . . I predict..nay, I estimate...no, I BELIEVE (yes that's it) that there's a 10 in 10 chance SOMETHING will happen. There's also a 10 in 10 chance NOTHING will happen! OMG what are the ~~chances~~...er, ~~odds~~...um, WHATEVER??!!

Japan vs. India's Space Program

Tue Oct 05, 2010 7:19 pm ET

Somewhere in Orbit (Krapsody) - At risk of sounding like a total nerd, I'm a bit excited. A new planet was discovered. It might be a place that only a lichen or pond scum could love, but astronomers believe that they've found it capable of harboring water on its surface potentially making it a home for plant or animal life.

Nobody from Earth will be visiting anytime soon: The planet, called Gliese 581g, is orbiting a star about 20 light-years away in the constellation Libra.

But if the finding is confirmed by other brainiacs, the planet, which is three to four times the mass of Earth, would be the most Earthlike planet yet discovered, and the first to meet the criteria for being potentially habitable. Which is a lot more than I can say for Detroit.

15 Unsurprising and Insignificant Facts About The Internet

infographic
–noun
A pretentious graph.

Ed: Check out this infographic on crime rates
Stan: That's a pie chart

Continuing with infographics week, er..infographics month, at Krapsody; there are plenty of absurd things to talk about thanks to the internet. And I'm quite sure that's because nearly EVERYONE on the internet is stupid, or crazy, or both. This is why the internet is not only a great place to find fodder to blog about, but it's also a great place to visit. . .mostly. Humor, it seems, is plentiful.

You could say that amusement on the web is so abundant, that you would be hard pressed not to find it. And if you have access to it, then you'll know exactly what I'm referring to (see pie chart below).

Sites such as eBay and Craigslist have become popular places to purchase humor. However, in both cases you must be weary. eBay and Craigslist are known for people misrepresenting the humor they have for sale. They'll over-exaggerate the value of their humor, and when your package arrives in the mail and you take your brand spanking new humor out of the box, you find it simply isn't funny at all.

Then you'll need to navigate the red tape of trying to get a refund from the seller, who now has lost their sense of humor altogether. And there's nothing funny about that. Since I don't offer refunds, Krapsody is no exception to the rule. So buyer beware.

Humor aside, the demand for a way to analyze information, such as internet statistics, have been so great people were practically praying for some miracle they could have a web-styled pop-up book, a way for that mind-blowing info to be explained quickly and simply. Consequently, we have the creation of the infographic.

Facts About The Internet made by infographic Douchebags

Facts About The Internet made by infographic Douchebags

Okay, the need for a lame comic strip to explain something as easy as someone using Google to search for
"if a horny cow escapes from a farm, how long will it take before it humps mel gibson?"
is still pretty funny. Um, yeah..

In spite of the existence of pictographic displays for simpletons, we've entered an era where no one has an attention span longer than that of a gnat, so there's a newfound need for an infographic that is simpler, even better than it's predecessor.

Presenting the internet infographical infographic, or the i3 (shortened to make it easier to grasp and convey.) note: I think the following super infographic confirms the distinct possibility that it's all of the above that is responsible for the decline of civilization as we know it...but it could just simply be #1 or #8 on the previous infographic list. You're guess is as good as mine. And assuming that any readers following thus far probably lack the ability to understand fuckwittitude, then it goes without saying that we will probably never know.