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| Come now, your wiener is not that big. |
Thur. June 2, 2011
Weinerville, NY (Krapsody) - Rep. Anthony Weiner is in the hot seat this week over a sexually suggestive photo he allegedly sent to a 21-year old female student in Seattle who is one of his 54,000 followers on Twitter. Weiner has not stated that the crotch in the picture was somebody else’s. So whose could it be? There will be no juvenile dick jokes or double entendres here. Quite frankly, it was mine and here's proof.
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| Rove tries in vain to appear hip. |
President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle celebrated American poetry with a gathering of poets, musicians, and artists at the White House last Wednesday night.
With relatively harmless Caucasian guests like Aimee Mann, Steve Martin, and Kenneth Goldsmith, it’s not hard to see why the invitation of the relatively uncontroversial rapper Common was politicized by critics of Obama's poetry night celebration.
Most prominently, former Bush adviser, Karl Rove, trash-talked Common on The Sean Hannity Show, because of his "violent and misogynistic music lyrics that advocated assassinating Bush and violence against police."
"Common is nothing but a common thug," Rove cried. "He's a big scary black man. I just couldn't imagine inviting him to the White House for anything, much less to do a rap performance. The only reason he should be there is to mop the floors or serve the guests."
Bin Laden...dead? Just for the record, this is not exclusive footage, nor is it a dramatic reenactment. At best, it is a cheap sloppy imitation, or whimsical imagining. Good day.
Sat. March 12, 2011
Salisbury Steak Dinner, UK (Krapsody) - Paul Di'Anno, ex-heavy metal singer for the band Iron Maiden, in a twist of fate has been jailed for fraud. Di'Anno had been illegally collecting income support, housing benefit and council tax handouts between 2002 and 2008 while he toured and lived abroad. Di'Anno's autobiography, The Beast, refers to him as the "wildest man in rock". Critics may now call him the "most wanted man in rock".
Oh, dear. A sad day indeed. Welcome to the "Twilight Zone". It doesn't appear that this will be a case of "Innocent Exile", nor "Sanctuary" for Mr. Di'Anno (this news comes during "The Ides of March" coincidentally).
"...she now wants to slap a fee on everyone who uses the sun and give half of the proceeds to the Spanish government and 20 percent to the nation's pension fund.
She would dedicate another 10 percent to research, another 10 percent to ending world hunger -- and would keep the remaining 10 percent herself."
The TSA would like to take a moment to put holiday traveler's concerns at ease about being forced to choose between allowing a TSA agent to see them naked, or to have their genitals touched and squeezed as part of what the TSA terms "enhanced pat-downs." Remember, the TSA considers your safety and the images produced by Advanced Imaging Technology to be "family friendly."
You are about to be mesmerized, it's here, it's wild and it's sweeping the nation. It's FRUITSHIGI – The magic gravity fruit! No strings, no tricks. Is it magic?… Maybe. Is it illusion?…YOU decide! You can make FRUITSHIGI defy gravity and fall in midair with maneuvers like prayer cross, levitation, palm-spin, The body roll, and so many more!! It confuses the senses (and Isaac Newton) with its mind blowing movements! Young or old, big or small anyone can FRUITSHIGI the minute they pickup the magic gravity fruit and with practice you can conquer the FRUITSHIGI! Everyone loves FRUITSHIGI and you don’t have to be a magician. It's relaxing and even therapeutic. Best of all it's just amazing!!!
Tue Oct 05, 2010 7:19 pm ET
Somewhere in Orbit (Krapsody) - At risk of sounding like a total nerd, I'm a bit excited. A new planet was discovered. It might be a place that only a lichen or pond scum could love, but astronomers believe that they've found it capable of harboring water on its surface potentially making it a home for plant or animal life.
Nobody from Earth will be visiting anytime soon: The planet, called Gliese 581g, is orbiting a star about 20 light-years away in the constellation Libra.
But if the finding is confirmed by other brainiacs, the planet, which is three to four times the mass of Earth, would be the most Earthlike planet yet discovered, and the first to meet the criteria for being potentially habitable. Which is a lot more than I can say for Detroit.
New Orleans, LA (Krapsody) - BP Oil is already in hot water, so to speak, over the Deepwater Horizon spill, and Gulf State residents are looking to take them to task. Residents seek lost wages, and property compensation that has damaged the fishing industry, tourism, and more. In response to the backlash, BP Oil has taken unprecedented steps to making full amends with the public. By having a public fish fry party.
Although BP still denies the recent Deepwater Horizon oil spill as one of the biggest, if not the most epic, manmade disasters in history. Ever. They make light of the situation by being party assholes.
Concerned about the tourism industry to the Gulf Coast in particular, BP issued a public statement near Grand Isle beaches today. This is a transcript as it happened direct to you our readers:
BP representative Doyle Slick clears his throat and announces, "This is not an environmental disaster, and I will say that again and again because it is a natural phenomena. Oil has seeped into this ocean for centuries."
A crowd gathers.
Doyle continues, "Yes, we had a little, tiny, wee bit of an accident. But let's not forget the heroic number of manual efforts throughout the Gulf Coast to make our beaches safe again."
"This is not a time to cry over spilled oil. This is a time to celebrate. In honor of American citizens and workers nationwide, BP is sponsoring a good ol' fashioned Cajun Fish Fry party!!"
The crowd begins to look at each other in bewilderment. Stifled gasps along with "oohs" and "ahhs" can be heard.
The crowd is hushed as Doyle raises his hands, "What better time to fry up some fish that has been battered, greased, and set on fire for us already?!"
The crowd goes wild. Confetti is thrown into the air.
"Don't mind the flavor, those oil cleanup chemicals are just a bit tangy," Doyle shouts.
At this point the uncontrolled throng turns into a riot. People are throwing their underwear at Doyle.
"And don't mind the feathers and beaks..them's just garnishes! We can start with that dead porpoise right there!!" as he points to a sludge covered carcass on the beach.
Pandemonium erupts. The mob topples over an EPA vehicle and sets fire to a FEMA trailer. A group of people rip a pelican apart, and beat a helpless sea turtle against an oil drum. And blah blah blah...
"The oil also makes a great suntan lotion. Look out Hawaiian Tropic!!!!" Doyle screams above the clamor.
"Come join us in sunny Louisiana!"
Doyle here, showing off his oil slicked hairdo
and his bulging oil spill cleanup bicep.
Washington D.C. - Anyone who thought Ulysses S. Grant's battle days were long over is wrong. The $100,000 question: Should Ulysses S. Grant, the legendary Union general and 18th president of the United States, be bumped from his 96-year stint on the $50 bill by...Ronald Reagan? The $50 question: Does Reagan deserve to replace Grant? Or, does Grant deserve to be replaced by Reagan? Okay that was two $25 questions.
AND WE'RE NOT BUYING.
I suppose a more appropriate question would be:
If Grant should be replaced, who should he be replaced by?
And more importantly, who the hell do people think they are replacing Grant on the $50 bill?!
Krapsody reporter, Ernst Ze Provocateur, interviewed Grant yesterday, and Grant had this to say, "Who the HELL do you people think YOU are?!"
"..replacing ME..that's like replacing Ronald McDonald, with Bozo. That's like replacing Chad Kroeger of Nickelback with a mop (although that would probably work). It's like replacing sugar with saccharin..oh, they already did that. Well, I suppose those were bad analogies. Fuck it."
Ben Franklin was equally pissed, and a bit worried, "What? Are they gonna replace all of the historical figures on U.S. currency? Who will be my replacement? A chimpanzee? George Michael? WTF?! This is outrageous. May the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing lose the printing plates emblazoned with that bastards face so he never ends up on any banknote."
George Washington, whose portrait is on the $1 bill, also thought this was a horrible idea and was quoted as saying, "I think if they are going to replace Grant or Franklin, or myself, then they should replace me with Martha Stewart, since she looks almost exactly like me. I cannot tell a lie."
Thomas Jefferson, jumped out of his likeness on the $2 bill to insist he wouldn't mind switching his post with Reagan who is deserving of being there, "HE'S as queer as a two dollar bill, y'all!!"
Abraham Lincoln, our beloved $5 bill man, was also stunned about the news and offered this explanation, "Perhaps this is a good thing. It will give a new generation of Americans something they can relate to. After all, nobody remembers who we are anymore. Nobody loves the old and washed up. Except for me of course. Everyone knows me. I am the bee's knees."
Alexander Hamilton, whose image graces the $10 bill, agrees with Abraham. "I think it's a good thing. Maybe I can be replaced by Schwarzenegger when he becomes President, or perhaps Clinton, because he and I are so much alike. What with his antics in the Oval Office, and my little blackmail affair that caused me to resign my position as Secretary of the Treasury...I couldn't think of a more appropriate replacement. Can you?"
Andrew Jackson (aka Old Hickory), on the $20 bill had a different stance, asserting that this was not only a decision based on "shit for brains ideology", and "machinations that smell suspiciously of ass and a conspiracy theory", he suggests, "...[that] America needs to create a new series of banknotes to match it's glimmering Socialist economy with only two bills as it's currency! One bill, the $1,000,000 dollar bill with me on the front..and the other a $1,000 dollar bill, with Static Krapsody on the front. End of story!"
Or we could just dispense with Reagan and all the old fogies and print our own money, like this guy did:
image courtesy of: Sharon Actor
F_ck Y__h. How many of these does it take to buy a vowel?
Did you catch the Oscars Sunday night? Wait..wait..wait. Better question: did you enjoy them? Between Ben Stiller's awful Avatar spoof, and those horribly tedious - "I'd like to thank the Academy" and "I'd like to thank Gawd" acceptance speeches, I think I've found the cure for Oscar night blues, and it ain't more cowbell.
The lower back tattoo, also known as a "tramp stamp", "ass antlers", or "whore tag", has become very popular in recent years.
Pop culture has embraced the tramp stamp. But then again, over time, pop culture also embraced the mullet, flannels over t-shirts, parachute pants, stirrup pants, leisure suits, and virtual pets. Hindsight is 20/20. The difference is that these items could all be thrown out or changed. A tramp stamp is permanently yours until it becomes the gramp stamp.
I have conflicted feelings with the term “Tramp Stamp”, because a woman having a lower back tattoo doesn’t automatically make her a “Tramp”, i.e., sexually loose and/or promiscuous. Women should be able to have a tattoo anywhere on their bodies without prejudice. Even if they are badly done. In fact, the worse they are, the more fun it is to laugh at them.
Tattoos can be a very personal choice, so while others of us might not choose to get one, many do for reasons known only to them. If they like them then that is all that matters regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Labels such as “Tramp Stamp” continue to perpetuate tattooing stereotyping and stigmas toward tattoos, especially regarding women and their popular tattoo choices.
Shame on people repulsed by tattoos who make fun of them. Shame on tattoo enthusiasts who do the same. Shame on tattoo artists who give the same stamps over and over again. And shame on tattoo magazines and all of the above for perpetuating antiquated perceptions of women with ink.
Having said that, this is the absolute worst Tramp Stamp I have ever seen:
Your trendy "Tramp Stamp" isn't all that liberating anymore when compared to that one, is it? Shame on you. Try being more original next time, Tramp.
For 20 more of The Worst Tramp Stamps click here.
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Now Playing: You Give Love A Bad Name - Bon Jovi
posted with Foxy Tunes
Thanks to Julie at Heavy dot com for sending me the link.
It's been a while between articles, but I'm never gone for long. The internet has a better chance of getting rid of me once Hell freezes over, and considering climate changes and global warming that will happen NEVER. And so lately I've been awful busy making cheese and selling door knobs, and in this economy it's just that much more difficult to sell door knobs made of cheese.
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