The TSA would like to take a moment to put holiday traveler's concerns at ease about being forced to choose between allowing a TSA agent to see them naked, or to have their genitals touched and squeezed as part of what the TSA terms "enhanced pat-downs." Remember, the TSA considers your safety and the images produced by Advanced Imaging Technology to be "family friendly."
You are about to be mesmerized, it's here, it's wild and it's sweeping the nation. It's FRUITSHIGI – The magic gravity fruit! No strings, no tricks. Is it magic?… Maybe. Is it illusion?…YOU decide! You can make FRUITSHIGI defy gravity and fall in midair with maneuvers like prayer cross, levitation, palm-spin, The body roll, and so many more!! It confuses the senses (and Isaac Newton) with its mind blowing movements! Young or old, big or small anyone can FRUITSHIGI the minute they pickup the magic gravity fruit and with practice you can conquer the FRUITSHIGI! Everyone loves FRUITSHIGI and you don’t have to be a magician. It's relaxing and even therapeutic. Best of all it's just amazing!!!
Holiday song taken literally. Hilarity ensues.
December 14
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
(read more)
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December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 16
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 17
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
==========================================================
December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================================
December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
========================================================
December 20
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with the freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 21
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move around in my own house.
Just stop it, smartass. And that's final!
Agnes
=========================================================
December 22
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
==========================================================
December 23
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
=========================================================
December 24
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes Farder.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Farder at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Ahole
I don't know what your plans are for Halloween this year. But I plan on dressing up just like I normally do for everyday life. And if that doesn't scare this shit out of you, then dressing up as something called a "Hannah Montana", a.k.a. "The Miley Cyrus Monster" (a monster unequaled in scariness - see infographic on FEAR below) is pretty damn scary if you ask me. But you didn't ask me, however, I'ma let you know anyway...because I care.
Other Halloween costume ideas this year include finding shit lying around your house to wear, like a wig, black tank top and the red bandana made famous by 24-year-old Antoine Dodson who became a YouTube viral sensation after he chased a would-be rapist out of his home. If you feel like spending the money for those things that you probably already have, then "The Bed Intruder", a.k.a. "The Antoine Dodson Costume", is dollars to doughnuts the best Halloween gag costume I've seen so far.
A similar costume was produced earlier this season called the "Bedroom Superhero Costume Kit", which was the latest, and unauthorized, attempt to capitalize on Dodson’s fame. Vying for profits should have landed the makers in court over a lawsuit..no, the "Law Suit" is not a Halloween costume, yet. Doubtful that this will ever go to court, it's also doubtful that if you chose this costume that you will be showing any originality as there will probably be twenty other dudes wearing the same thing.
Since we're on the topics of lawsuits and Halloween, I'm surprised the inventors of Halloween haven't sued for copyright/trademark infringement over their holiday. I mean, witches/pagans/neopagans/ghosts/vampires/werewolves/other scary monsters would probably win millions, really. Here's documentation that proves my point.
[Via: The Douchebag Infographics Team]
As a kid after Trick-or-Treating I was always excited to see if I could find candy that had been tampered with. That way I could be the one to turn them in to the police. But I sadly never had the chance. Mostly because it was urban myth.
In reality, the idea of tainted candy from a stranger may have started with a 1964 incident involving a New York homemaker named Helen Pfeil. Irritated at the idea of handing out free candy to older kids, Pfeil gave out packages of steel wool pads, dog biscuits and poison ant buttons. Although she made it clear that her "goodies" were inedible, Pfeil was charged with endangering children. And so subsequent generations of people believe the urban myth. So we should sue them..or maybe we should sue the makers of this infographic...or maybe we should sue...someone.
OHHHH, I'm sooo confused now!
With all the monsters, ghouls, and creepies it goes without saying that Halloween for some is a scary experience. They don't know how to cope with the fear of being confronted with children dressed like monsters, banging on their doors on Halloween night, demanding sugary confections.
Poor saps are probably afraid of the dark, and afraid of their own shadows. If they only knew that the only thing they had to fear was fear itself, then maybe they wouldn't have to change their shorts every single time the doorbell rings on Halloween night. I think a load in someone's pants is almost as scary as the Miley Cyrus monster. For those of you that are phobic, here are some tips about fear that might help you recognize and manage your psychological distress.
[Via: Another Douchebag Infographic Team]
And now I have some preparing to do. I'm off to get an early start on Trick-or-Treating. I'm sure my neighbors will love me banging on their door at three o'clock this morning exclaiming, "Hey! It's officially Halloween. Gimme some damn candy, bitches!" Of course, I'll be wearing my Bed Intruder costume and distributing my own brand of psychological distress, people will think I'm either trying to rob them or rape them and they'll call the police. So hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband cuz they're rapin errbody out here.
Have a Happy and Safe Halloween!
Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:14 pm ET
Chicago, IL (Krapsody) - A crocodile hidden in a passenger's bag onboard a plane escaped prompting FBI agent Neville Flynn to say, "Enough is enough! I have had it with these muthafuckin' crocodiles on this muthafuckin' plane! Everybody strap in, Imma 'bout to open some windows," which he did, causing the plane to crash and kill 19 passengers during a flight over Chicago. Ironically the crocodile survived the crash but was killed moments later when a gust of wind hurtled it towards the Superman: Ultimate Flight ride at Six Flags Great America. Breaking it's neck on impact with the twisted steel track, it probably goes without saying that the croc found out what it’s like to fly like the one-and-only Superman.
Stuffed in a trunk (Krapsody) - Hey everybody, it's 10/10/10!!! OMG!!!!! What DOES it mean?!
Maybe this. Or maybe this.
Pfft. OK. Or maybe . . . I predict..nay, I estimate...no, I BELIEVE (yes that's it) that there's a 10 in 10 chance SOMETHING will happen. There's also a 10 in 10 chance NOTHING will happen! OMG what are the chances...er, odds...um, WHATEVER??!!
Tue Oct 05, 2010 7:19 pm ET
Somewhere in Orbit (Krapsody) - At risk of sounding like a total nerd, I'm a bit excited. A new planet was discovered. It might be a place that only a lichen or pond scum could love, but astronomers believe that they've found it capable of harboring water on its surface potentially making it a home for plant or animal life.
Nobody from Earth will be visiting anytime soon: The planet, called Gliese 581g, is orbiting a star about 20 light-years away in the constellation Libra.
But if the finding is confirmed by other brainiacs, the planet, which is three to four times the mass of Earth, would be the most Earthlike planet yet discovered, and the first to meet the criteria for being potentially habitable. Which is a lot more than I can say for Detroit.
Continuing with infographics week, er..infographics month, at Krapsody; there are plenty of absurd things to talk about thanks to the internet. And I'm quite sure that's because nearly EVERYONE on the internet is stupid, or crazy, or both. This is why the internet is not only a great place to find fodder to blog about, but it's also a great place to visit. . .mostly. Humor, it seems, is plentiful.infographic
–noun
A pretentious graph.
Ed: Check out this infographic on crime rates
Stan: That's a pie chart
I got bills to pay. And these fine infographics are going to set me free. There's a wealth of information here, maybe you'll learn something. So enjoy. =P
Guess what kiddies? It's Infographics Week at Krapsody.com! *Because we all know how important it is for illiterates to be able to read and interpret take a good guess at visual representations of information! *this is just my lame attempt to flood the internets, and your minds, with useless information..and also because I am too busy lazy to write any articles right now. Plus, I've been offered a cool advertising deal I couldn't refuse (a years supply of French ticklers and an all expenses paid trip to Butt Plug Mardi Gras (aka CPAC 2011) and THAT'S a "hole" lotta fun, folks!) I just love infographics!!
Dick, PA - 
Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a pissed off son of a bitch with a penchant for telling bedtime stories not fit for children aged 6-10...yes, I'm talkin' about me again.
Opening with the usual generic stock phrase that has been beat to death since the beginning of time when the first quasi human/simian creature could open it's gaping maw and utter grunts and groans that weren't even remotely considered language, it ends all the same.
Happenstance, these stories often also then end with "... and they all lived happily ever after", or, "happily until their deaths". I'm going with the latter, because that's just how I feel. So suck it up ya big pansies.
You didn't really think this story was going to end well, did you? This story is going to have a much different style and vibe. Who's the writer here, god dammit?
FLIPPING through the newspapers (bah! Who am I KIDDING? Printed media is dead. It's all electronic media today) - and it's provided me with an opportunity to reflect upon on something I don’t think I've pondered much since I stopped grappling with essay deadlines about the motivation of doomed literary characters
And not too far removed are the motivations of doomed actors. The question that I am pondering now is: Is Mel Gibson stark raving mad?
The world's not quite there yet. Maybe it's too difficult for most to wrap their minds around. But then again, maybe they'd be more apt to follow another similar, simpler philosophy. Such as, "Free your mind and your ass will follow."
-------------------
Listening to:
The Beatles "Back In The USSR"
On my birthday a couple weeks ago (June 24), I sat down with my old buddy Kelly, aka 7masterheathen, writer for Psycho Carnival, and drank to celebrate another year that has passed. Boy, did we drink. It was only 9 am, but who cares? Kelly asked me to tell my epic life story: love, betrayal, loneliness, hunger and thirst. To be honest, I never knew what life was until it ran out in a red gush over my lips, my hands! So THIRSTY. So HUNGRY. Drinking certainly gives ya the munchies. I could barely keep myself from feeding on everyone in the bowling alley.
New Orleans, LA (Krapsody) - BP Oil is already in hot water, so to speak, over the Deepwater Horizon spill, and Gulf State residents are looking to take them to task. Residents seek lost wages, and property compensation that has damaged the fishing industry, tourism, and more. In response to the backlash, BP Oil has taken unprecedented steps to making full amends with the public. By having a public fish fry party.
Although BP still denies the recent Deepwater Horizon oil spill as one of the biggest, if not the most epic, manmade disasters in history. Ever. They make light of the situation by being party assholes.
Concerned about the tourism industry to the Gulf Coast in particular, BP issued a public statement near Grand Isle beaches today. This is a transcript as it happened direct to you our readers:
BP representative Doyle Slick clears his throat and announces, "This is not an environmental disaster, and I will say that again and again because it is a natural phenomena. Oil has seeped into this ocean for centuries."
A crowd gathers.
Doyle continues, "Yes, we had a little, tiny, wee bit of an accident. But let's not forget the heroic number of manual efforts throughout the Gulf Coast to make our beaches safe again."
"This is not a time to cry over spilled oil. This is a time to celebrate. In honor of American citizens and workers nationwide, BP is sponsoring a good ol' fashioned Cajun Fish Fry party!!"
The crowd begins to look at each other in bewilderment. Stifled gasps along with "oohs" and "ahhs" can be heard.
The crowd is hushed as Doyle raises his hands, "What better time to fry up some fish that has been battered, greased, and set on fire for us already?!"
The crowd goes wild. Confetti is thrown into the air.
"Don't mind the flavor, those oil cleanup chemicals are just a bit tangy," Doyle shouts.
At this point the uncontrolled throng turns into a riot. People are throwing their underwear at Doyle.
"And don't mind the feathers and beaks..them's just garnishes! We can start with that dead porpoise right there!!" as he points to a sludge covered carcass on the beach.
Pandemonium erupts. The mob topples over an EPA vehicle and sets fire to a FEMA trailer. A group of people rip a pelican apart, and beat a helpless sea turtle against an oil drum. And blah blah blah...
"The oil also makes a great suntan lotion. Look out Hawaiian Tropic!!!!" Doyle screams above the clamor.
"Come join us in sunny Louisiana!"
Doyle here, showing off his oil slicked hairdo
and his bulging oil spill cleanup bicep.
No arguments here.
Q: Dear Static,
I live in an apartment. I own an elephant (Ellie). Every time I feed her, she explodes! I spend the rest of my day cleaning and scraping her off my walls!! The next day she's back again and the same problem keeps occurring (??!!!). PLEASE HELP!!!!!!
Signed,
Elephantitis
Washington D.C. - Anyone who thought Ulysses S. Grant's battle days were long over is wrong. The $100,000 question: Should Ulysses S. Grant, the legendary Union general and 18th president of the United States, be bumped from his 96-year stint on the $50 bill by...Ronald Reagan? The $50 question: Does Reagan deserve to replace Grant? Or, does Grant deserve to be replaced by Reagan? Okay that was two $25 questions.
AND WE'RE NOT BUYING.
I suppose a more appropriate question would be:
If Grant should be replaced, who should he be replaced by?
And more importantly, who the hell do people think they are replacing Grant on the $50 bill?!
Krapsody reporter, Ernst Ze Provocateur, interviewed Grant yesterday, and Grant had this to say, "Who the HELL do you people think YOU are?!"
"..replacing ME..that's like replacing Ronald McDonald, with Bozo. That's like replacing Chad Kroeger of Nickelback with a mop (although that would probably work). It's like replacing sugar with saccharin..oh, they already did that. Well, I suppose those were bad analogies. Fuck it."
Ben Franklin was equally pissed, and a bit worried, "What? Are they gonna replace all of the historical figures on U.S. currency? Who will be my replacement? A chimpanzee? George Michael? WTF?! This is outrageous. May the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing lose the printing plates emblazoned with that bastards face so he never ends up on any banknote."
George Washington, whose portrait is on the $1 bill, also thought this was a horrible idea and was quoted as saying, "I think if they are going to replace Grant or Franklin, or myself, then they should replace me with Martha Stewart, since she looks almost exactly like me. I cannot tell a lie."
Thomas Jefferson, jumped out of his likeness on the $2 bill to insist he wouldn't mind switching his post with Reagan who is deserving of being there, "HE'S as queer as a two dollar bill, y'all!!"
Abraham Lincoln, our beloved $5 bill man, was also stunned about the news and offered this explanation, "Perhaps this is a good thing. It will give a new generation of Americans something they can relate to. After all, nobody remembers who we are anymore. Nobody loves the old and washed up. Except for me of course. Everyone knows me. I am the bee's knees."
Alexander Hamilton, whose image graces the $10 bill, agrees with Abraham. "I think it's a good thing. Maybe I can be replaced by Schwarzenegger when he becomes President, or perhaps Clinton, because he and I are so much alike. What with his antics in the Oval Office, and my little blackmail affair that caused me to resign my position as Secretary of the Treasury...I couldn't think of a more appropriate replacement. Can you?"
Andrew Jackson (aka Old Hickory), on the $20 bill had a different stance, asserting that this was not only a decision based on "shit for brains ideology", and "machinations that smell suspiciously of ass and a conspiracy theory", he suggests, "...[that] America needs to create a new series of banknotes to match it's glimmering Socialist economy with only two bills as it's currency! One bill, the $1,000,000 dollar bill with me on the front..and the other a $1,000 dollar bill, with Static Krapsody on the front. End of story!"
Or we could just dispense with Reagan and all the old fogies and print our own money, like this guy did:
image courtesy of: Sharon Actor
F_ck Y__h. How many of these does it take to buy a vowel?
Did you catch the Oscars Sunday night? Wait..wait..wait. Better question: did you enjoy them? Between Ben Stiller's awful Avatar spoof, and those horribly tedious - "I'd like to thank the Academy" and "I'd like to thank Gawd" acceptance speeches, I think I've found the cure for Oscar night blues, and it ain't more cowbell.
The lower back tattoo, also known as a "tramp stamp", "ass antlers", or "whore tag", has become very popular in recent years.
Pop culture has embraced the tramp stamp. But then again, over time, pop culture also embraced the mullet, flannels over t-shirts, parachute pants, stirrup pants, leisure suits, and virtual pets. Hindsight is 20/20. The difference is that these items could all be thrown out or changed. A tramp stamp is permanently yours until it becomes the gramp stamp.
I have conflicted feelings with the term “Tramp Stamp”, because a woman having a lower back tattoo doesn’t automatically make her a “Tramp”, i.e., sexually loose and/or promiscuous. Women should be able to have a tattoo anywhere on their bodies without prejudice. Even if they are badly done. In fact, the worse they are, the more fun it is to laugh at them.
Tattoos can be a very personal choice, so while others of us might not choose to get one, many do for reasons known only to them. If they like them then that is all that matters regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Labels such as “Tramp Stamp” continue to perpetuate tattooing stereotyping and stigmas toward tattoos, especially regarding women and their popular tattoo choices.
Shame on people repulsed by tattoos who make fun of them. Shame on tattoo enthusiasts who do the same. Shame on tattoo artists who give the same stamps over and over again. And shame on tattoo magazines and all of the above for perpetuating antiquated perceptions of women with ink.
Having said that, this is the absolute worst Tramp Stamp I have ever seen:
Your trendy "Tramp Stamp" isn't all that liberating anymore when compared to that one, is it? Shame on you. Try being more original next time, Tramp.
For 20 more of The Worst Tramp Stamps click here.
-----------
Now Playing: You Give Love A Bad Name - Bon Jovi
posted with Foxy Tunes
Thanks to Julie at Heavy dot com for sending me the link.
Q: Dear Static,
I want an HTC Magic. Now. Can you help?
Signed,
Cell phone phreak
NEW YORK, NY (Krapsody) - National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) has found that sudden acceleration events in Toyota vehicles over the past decade led to several instances of collisions, serious injuries, and at least 19 confirmed deaths associated with eight or more popular models. In record time Toyota has now decided to recall those vehicles with sticking accelerator pedals.
To alleviate the problem, Toyota will install new and improved airbags starting this week in over 5 million vehicles.
In a press conference earlier today, Toyota Motor Company representative, Phil Graves, stated that Toyota "...[has] taken these measures so that in the event a gas pedal sticks on any of our vehicles, and if firm and steady application of the brakes and/or frantic waving of the arms fails to stop the vehicle, Toyota's improved airbags will reduce the amount of injuries or fatalities to Toyota owners."
"We want to make sure our customers understand that this situation is rare and generally does not occur suddenly. Rather it's a slow and painful process...until the accelerator pedal sticks and you fly off into the stratosphere like a bat out of hell...or into a brick wall. But that's the worst case scenario. We're trying to remain optimistic."
"Our message to Toyota owners is this – if you experience any issues with your accelerator pedal, please contact your dealer without delay. If you are not experiencing any issues with your pedal, we are confident that your vehicle is safe to drive. But just to be sure, get the new airbags installed..it can't hurt. We'll even throw in a crash helmet, a months supply of adult diapers, and a new set of floor mats," Graves added.
"Nothing is more important to Toyota and our lawyers - I mean..our LOYAL customers than the safety and reliability of the vehicles our customers drive," noted Graves. "We understand the safety concerns the public has."
"Our entire organization of 172,000 - um, wait a sec. We um..recalled...uh, laid-off rather, quite a few 'defective airbags' - uh, defective airbag installers..over the holidays," Graves eyes glaze over a bit, "Ok, so our entire organization of 153, that's 153 North American employees and dealership personnel are working around the clock, without food, water, or sleep, to replace the airbag systems for our customers. The suspense is killing us."
"Rest assured, we've come to the most safe and viable solution for this problem. In upcoming weeks we will address reports about those steering wheels popping off during operation on all vehicles manufactured since 2001. Thank you."
Vagina Beach, VA - Rev. Pat Robertson has always been known as a shining beacon of hope and all that is good and holy, from his Liberian diamond mine venture, to his call for Hugo Chavez’s assassination.
After his remarks that earthquake stricken Haiti got what it deserved because of its pact with the Devil, it is now quite evident that Pat Robertson has lost his damn mind.
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