And lo, it came to pass that Macho Man Randy Savage did prevent the impending Rapture. Amen.
Macho Man Randy Savage Dies In Car Accident (5/20/2011 day before Rapture prediction) [Full Story]
Showing posts with label Even I can't make this shit up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Even I can't make this shit up. Show all posts
Why The Rapture Failed
And lo, it came to pass that Macho Man Randy Savage did prevent the impending Rapture. Amen.
Macho Man Randy Savage Dies In Car Accident (5/20/2011 day before Rapture prediction) [Full Story]
Obscure Moments in Pop Culture History II
The Rapture. Tomorrow. Be there or be square. OR don't...it just means more virgins for me, or whatever we get in Heaven. It's Heaven, after all. I am sure you can practically get just about anything you want there. Fried Twinkies drowned in hot fudge on top of a pepperoni pizza wrapped inside of a beef and bean burrito smothered in green salsa stuffed inside of a rack of barbequed spare ribs doused with maple syrup surrounded by a garnish of chocolate truffles dipped in bullcrap. No? I guess it's just me then.
In any event, to make a long story short, all day I've been hearing about and was subjected to some lengthy reading that revealed to me that tomorrow is Official Judgment Day, and seeings as I am a bit short on repentance - at least I think I am (it gets a bit spotty after I've had a few beers at the end of the day) - apparently, I have some heavy repenting to do, in - oh, I dunno...roughly 2 hours, 35 minutes, and 10 seconds.
Obscure Moments in Pop Culture History I
 |
| Rove tries in vain to appear hip. |
President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle celebrated American poetry with a gathering of poets, musicians, and artists at the White House last Wednesday night.
With relatively harmless Caucasian guests like Aimee Mann, Steve Martin, and Kenneth Goldsmith, it’s not hard to see why the invitation of the relatively uncontroversial rapper Common was politicized by critics of Obama's poetry night celebration.
Most prominently, former Bush adviser, Karl Rove, trash-talked Common on The Sean Hannity Show, because of his "violent and misogynistic music lyrics that advocated assassinating Bush and violence against police."
"Common is nothing but a common thug," Rove cried. "He's a big scary black man. I just couldn't imagine inviting him to the White House for anything, much less to do a rap performance. The only reason he should be there is to mop the floors or serve the guests."
BOOM...HEADSHOT!!
Bin Laden...dead? Just for the record, this is not exclusive footage, nor is it a dramatic reenactment. At best, it is a cheap sloppy imitation, or whimsical imagining. Good day.
For Rent: 4.5 Billion-Year-Old Ball of Fire
*based on a news story involving, Angeles Duran, who lives in Salvaterra do Mino, Spain. She recently laid claim to the sun legally.
According to an AFP article:
"...she now wants to slap a fee on everyone who uses the sun and give half of the proceeds to the Spanish government and 20 percent to the nation's pension fund.
She would dedicate another 10 percent to research, another 10 percent to ending world hunger -- and would keep the remaining 10 percent herself."
Half the proceeds to the government? Really?? 20 percent to the nation's pension fund? And only 10 percent to research, another 10 percent to ending world hunger, and the remaining 10 percent for herself?? Gee...how altruistic of her.
News on the street is that she will have to adjust the lease to prorate the rent for those days when there have been, or will be, a full or partial solar eclipse.
Additionally, this extends to solar flare activity as well, which disrupts electronics and satellites orbiting our planet. Disruptions in service include cellphone reception and telecommunications transmissions on other technological devices including electrical power.
Lest I forget, a class action lawsuit is in the works: people who have been burnt by the Sun and/or end up with skin cancers are suing Ms. Duran for pain and suffering caused by her celestial body, as well as her responsibility for global warming. Lots of pissed off people I gather. She should be getting bitch slapped with the subpoena as this article is being published. Not such a good idea now, is it, Ms. Duran? 0 percent win. 100 percent FAIL.
This is Halloween
I don't know what your plans are for Halloween this year. But I plan on dressing up just like I normally do for everyday life. And if that doesn't scare this shit out of you, then dressing up as something called a "Hannah Montana", a.k.a. "The Miley Cyrus Monster" (a monster unequaled in scariness - see infographic on FEAR below) is pretty damn scary if you ask me. But you didn't ask me, however, I'ma let you know anyway...because I care.
Other Halloween costume ideas this year include finding shit lying around your house to wear, like a wig, black tank top and the red bandana made famous by 24-year-old Antoine Dodson who became a YouTube viral sensation after he chased a would-be rapist out of his home. If you feel like spending the money for those things that you probably already have, then "The Bed Intruder", a.k.a. "The Antoine Dodson Costume", is dollars to doughnuts the best Halloween gag costume I've seen so far.
A similar costume was produced earlier this season called the "Bedroom Superhero Costume Kit", which was the latest, and unauthorized, attempt to capitalize on Dodson’s fame. Vying for profits should have landed the makers in court over a lawsuit..no, the "Law Suit" is not a Halloween costume, yet. Doubtful that this will ever go to court, it's also doubtful that if you chose this costume that you will be showing any originality as there will probably be twenty other dudes wearing the same thing.
Since we're on the topics of lawsuits and Halloween, I'm surprised the inventors of Halloween haven't sued for copyright/trademark infringement over their holiday. I mean, witches/pagans/neopagans/ghosts/vampires/werewolves/other scary monsters would probably win millions, really. Here's documentation that proves my point.
[Via: The Douchebag Infographics Team]
As a kid after Trick-or-Treating I was always excited to see if I could find candy that had been tampered with. That way I could be the one to turn them in to the police. But I sadly never had the chance. Mostly because it was urban myth.
In reality, the idea of tainted candy from a stranger may have started with a 1964 incident involving a New York homemaker named Helen Pfeil. Irritated at the idea of handing out free candy to older kids, Pfeil gave out packages of steel wool pads, dog biscuits and poison ant buttons. Although she made it clear that her "goodies" were inedible, Pfeil was charged with endangering children. And so subsequent generations of people believe the urban myth. So we should sue them..or maybe we should sue the makers of this infographic...or maybe we should sue...someone.
OHHHH, I'm sooo confused now!
With all the monsters, ghouls, and creepies it goes without saying that Halloween for some is a scary experience. They don't know how to cope with the fear of being confronted with children dressed like monsters, banging on their doors on Halloween night, demanding sugary confections.
Poor saps are probably afraid of the dark, and afraid of their own shadows. If they only knew that the only thing they had to fear was fear itself, then maybe they wouldn't have to change their shorts every single time the doorbell rings on Halloween night. I think a load in someone's pants is almost as scary as the Miley Cyrus monster. For those of you that are phobic, here are some tips about fear that might help you recognize and manage your psychological distress.
[Via: Another Douchebag Infographic Team]
And now I have some preparing to do. I'm off to get an early start on Trick-or-Treating. I'm sure my neighbors will love me banging on their door at three o'clock this morning exclaiming, "Hey! It's officially Halloween. Gimme some damn candy, bitches!" Of course, I'll be wearing my Bed Intruder costume and distributing my own brand of psychological distress, people will think I'm either trying to rob them or rape them and they'll call the police. So hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband cuz they're rapin errbody out here.
Have a Happy and Safe Halloween!
15 Unsurprising and Insignificant Facts About The Internet
Continuing with infographics week, er..infographics month, at Krapsody; there are plenty of absurd things to talk about thanks to the internet. And I'm quite sure that's because nearly EVERYONE on the internet is stupid, or crazy, or both. This is why the internet is not only a great place to find fodder to blog about, but it's also a great place to visit. . .mostly. Humor, it seems, is plentiful.infographic
–noun
A pretentious graph.
Ed: Check out this infographic on crime rates
Stan: That's a pie chart
You could say that amusement on the web is so abundant, that you would be hard pressed not to find it. And if you have access to it, then you'll know exactly what I'm referring to (see pie chart below).
Sites such as eBay and Craigslist have become popular places to purchase humor. However, in both cases you must be weary. eBay and Craigslist are known for people misrepresenting the humor they have for sale. They'll over-exaggerate the value of their humor, and when your package arrives in the mail and you take your brand spanking new humor out of the box, you find it simply isn't funny at all.
Then you'll need to navigate the red tape of trying to get a refund from the seller, who now has lost their sense of humor altogether. And there's nothing funny about that. Since I don't offer refunds, Krapsody is no exception to the rule. So buyer beware.
Humor aside, the demand for a way to analyze information, such as internet statistics, have been so great people were practically praying for some miracle they could have a web-styled pop-up book, a way for that mind-blowing info to be explained quickly and simply. Consequently, we have the creation of the infographic.
"if a horny cow escapes from a farm, how long will it take before it humps mel gibson?"
is still pretty funny. Um, yeah..
In spite of the existence of pictographic displays for simpletons, we've entered an era where no one has an attention span longer than that of a gnat, so there's a newfound need for an infographic that is simpler, even better than it's predecessor.
Presenting the internet infographical infographic, or the i3 (shortened to make it easier to grasp and convey.) note: I think the following super infographic confirms the distinct possibility that it's all of the above that is responsible for the decline of civilization as we know it...but it could just simply be #1 or #8 on the previous infographic list. You're guess is as good as mine. And assuming that any readers following thus far probably lack the ability to understand fuckwittitude, then it goes without saying that we will probably never know.
13..no, 21..21 Strange Ways People Get High
Guess what kiddies? It's Infographics Week at Krapsody.com! *Because we all know how important it is for illiterates to be able to read and interpret take a good guess at visual representations of information! *this is just my lame attempt to flood the internets, and your minds, with useless information..and also because I am too busy lazy to write any articles right now. Plus, I've been offered a cool advertising deal I couldn't refuse (a years supply of French ticklers and an all expenses paid trip to Butt Plug Mardi Gras (aka CPAC 2011) and THAT'S a "hole" lotta fun, folks!) I just love infographics!!
Lord of the Haunted Penis Rings Rules, Dude
Dick, PA - 
Taggin 'n Baggin
No arguments here.
Grant, Franklin, Washington Pissed About Reagan
Washington D.C. - Anyone who thought Ulysses S. Grant's battle days were long over is wrong. The $100,000 question: Should Ulysses S. Grant, the legendary Union general and 18th president of the United States, be bumped from his 96-year stint on the $50 bill by...Ronald Reagan? The $50 question: Does Reagan deserve to replace Grant? Or, does Grant deserve to be replaced by Reagan? Okay that was two $25 questions.
AND WE'RE NOT BUYING.
I suppose a more appropriate question would be:
If Grant should be replaced, who should he be replaced by?
And more importantly, who the hell do people think they are replacing Grant on the $50 bill?!
Krapsody reporter, Ernst Ze Provocateur, interviewed Grant yesterday, and Grant had this to say, "Who the HELL do you people think YOU are?!"
"..replacing ME..that's like replacing Ronald McDonald, with Bozo. That's like replacing Chad Kroeger of Nickelback with a mop (although that would probably work). It's like replacing sugar with saccharin..oh, they already did that. Well, I suppose those were bad analogies. Fuck it."
Ben Franklin was equally pissed, and a bit worried, "What? Are they gonna replace all of the historical figures on U.S. currency? Who will be my replacement? A chimpanzee? George Michael? WTF?! This is outrageous. May the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing lose the printing plates emblazoned with that bastards face so he never ends up on any banknote."
George Washington, whose portrait is on the $1 bill, also thought this was a horrible idea and was quoted as saying, "I think if they are going to replace Grant or Franklin, or myself, then they should replace me with Martha Stewart, since she looks almost exactly like me. I cannot tell a lie."
Thomas Jefferson, jumped out of his likeness on the $2 bill to insist he wouldn't mind switching his post with Reagan who is deserving of being there, "HE'S as queer as a two dollar bill, y'all!!"
Abraham Lincoln, our beloved $5 bill man, was also stunned about the news and offered this explanation, "Perhaps this is a good thing. It will give a new generation of Americans something they can relate to. After all, nobody remembers who we are anymore. Nobody loves the old and washed up. Except for me of course. Everyone knows me. I am the bee's knees."
Alexander Hamilton, whose image graces the $10 bill, agrees with Abraham. "I think it's a good thing. Maybe I can be replaced by Schwarzenegger when he becomes President, or perhaps Clinton, because he and I are so much alike. What with his antics in the Oval Office, and my little blackmail affair that caused me to resign my position as Secretary of the Treasury...I couldn't think of a more appropriate replacement. Can you?"
Andrew Jackson (aka Old Hickory), on the $20 bill had a different stance, asserting that this was not only a decision based on "shit for brains ideology", and "machinations that smell suspiciously of ass and a conspiracy theory", he suggests, "...[that] America needs to create a new series of banknotes to match it's glimmering Socialist economy with only two bills as it's currency! One bill, the $1,000,000 dollar bill with me on the front..and the other a $1,000 dollar bill, with Static Krapsody on the front. End of story!"
Or we could just dispense with Reagan and all the old fogies and print our own money, like this guy did:
image courtesy of: Sharon Actor
F_ck Y__h. How many of these does it take to buy a vowel?
The Oscars Summed Up In One Photo
Did you catch the Oscars Sunday night? Wait..wait..wait. Better question: did you enjoy them? Between Ben Stiller's awful Avatar spoof, and those horribly tedious - "I'd like to thank the Academy" and "I'd like to thank Gawd" acceptance speeches, I think I've found the cure for Oscar night blues, and it ain't more cowbell.
Woody Allen, Gary Glitter Show Support For Polanski
Since his arrest on September 26, in Switzerland on his way to pick up a lifetime achievement "Golden Icon Award" from the Zurich Film Festival, Roman Polanski's fate now hangs in the balance.
These days good and sensible doesn’t sell. Especially when you've eluded a 31-year-old fugitive warrant by skipping bail, fleeing the country, after pleading guilty and being convicted of getting a 13-year-old girl naked in a hot tub, plying her with champagne and quaaludes and forcing sex on her.
Never mind that Polanski's unquestionably talented. He's committed the crime, now he's gotta do the time. A slew of notable jailbait-chasing creeps are showing their support for Mr. Polanski.
Woody Allen, another brilliant comedian and filmmaker, offered his unlikely support. Pleading for Roman's release, Allen himself guilty of having younghot lusty fantasies, marrying the adopted daughter of his longtime love interest, would be the last person you would want to come forward if you were caught kiddie fiddling.
Allen shows how he won over Soon Yi
Allen quoted as saying, "How can anyone be utterly skeezed out by a middle-aged man jumping into the sack with jailbait? It's perfectly natural for a guy to be with a girl wherein he's older than her father...even if he's..practically her father."
Paul Francis Gadd, a.k.a. glam-rocker Gary Glitter, longest chart runs of any solo singer in the UK during the 70s couldn't help himself but show his support for Polanski. Gary said, "Age ain't nothin' but a number. AND that 10-year-old has my number. Does that make anybody uncomfortable?"
Gary Glitter seductively asks:
Do You Wanna Touch Me?
R. Kelly, trapped in a closet full of 14-year-olds says he's all for freeing Roman...the pizza delivery boy, after he's done pissing on him.
R. Kelly's gonna piss on j00
Travis Bickle, vigilantism motivated by sexual jealousy as it is by any kind of desire for justice.
You talkin' to me?
Who needs unrequited, consensual pedophilia if you have no problems with the violence typically portrayed in most movies? But complaining about the violence just makes you feel like a square.
But where do you draw the line between impropriety and turning predatorial relationships into heroism? Only in your wet dreams, Mary Kay Letourneau.
'Hot for Teacher' night is not creepy, because it's okay to rape little boys when you're a hot 34-year-old female teacher.
Herbert the Pervert, is one sketchy character. Perverts (in contrast to hot female teachers) are usually characterized by thin mustaches, clammy hands, and the ownership of a van turned into an ice cream business on wheels.
But not this seemingly harmless old man. He lures the newspaper boy in with promise of icy treats in his basement.
I got a whole freezer full of popsicles down in the cellar.
This dirty-year-old creepy and/or awkwardly disturbing menace to society, is always scissoring little boys with his eyes. An honorary member of NAMBLA, his art of bumblefucking is very unique. Herbert "the Pervert" is a bumblefucking sensei, and the origins and ways of bumblefucking are only known to him.
One thing is for sure, real friends are in short supply these days. But with friends like these, who needs enemies. Who needs decency or justice? Because we might possibly live in a world where fame trumps decency and justice.
“If I had killed somebody, it wouldn’t have had so much appeal to the press, you see? But… fucking, you see, and the young girls. Judges want to fuck young girls. Juries want to fuck young girls. Everyone wants to fuck young girls!”
- Roman Polanski on fucking young girls (source)
If it were up to me, anyone who harms a child sexually would spend eternity in hell giving rim jobs to Hitler and obese people with bacillary dysentery.
Losing your dignity is probably one of the worst things a human being can endure, just ask any victim of rape. Polanski will probably be forced to join the ranks of national registered sex offenders and I think he should make a biopic based around his experiences leading up to that...not like Wanted and Desired or Manhattan.
Comparing apples to oranges, most actors and artists toil forever in obscurity, never getting recognition for the roles they portray or works of art they create.
But if you hone your craft and work diligently, you might find yourself in the role of a lifetime instead of making an unnoticed dramatic exit stage left. Because in a land of predators, the lion never fears the jackal....or the pedobear.
Emma Watson runs away from Pedobear Polanski at Brown University's campus.
Welcome to Rhode Island, Emma!
I Saw Her Again Last Night
"I Saw Her Again Last Night," the famous song by the Mamas and the Papas. Bet you didn't know the real meaning behind it...did ya? And you thought news of the weird couldn't get any MORE weird.
note: No animals, persons, or piles of vomit were harmed in the making of this article and video. However as always - Viewer Discretion is Advised.
Yes, dear readers Mackenzie Phillips recently admitted to being raped and then engaging in an incestuous relationship with her father, Mamas and the Papas founder, John Phillips, for TEN years...starting at the age of 19.
If you're unfamiliar with Mackenzie Phillips, she co-starred on the television show One Day At A Time alongside Valerie Bertinelli.
Mackenzie revealed the bombshell on what else, but The Oprah Winfrey Show (the place to make such revelations naturally,) the news coincides with the release of her book, High On Arrival.
So the question remains, is it true, or is it some kind of marketing stunt?
Or is she mistaken...and it's some kind of marketing stunt?
Either way, there appears to be some skeletons in her closet. And it's a brilliant marketing stunt. If her statement and recollection of the event(s) are true, I find it to be the most disgusting and horrible thing I've ever heard...other than hearing that there was a heartfelt tribute to Dirty Dancing on Dancing With The Stars last Wednesday.
Your place or mine? Shame on John Phillips. Raping your own daughter? When she's passed out?
That's only something I would have expected creepy pedophile apartment maintenance guy, Schneider, to be capable of doing..after getting both girls drunk and slipping them GHB.
In High On Arrival, Mackenzie discloses that her dad John Phillips drugged and raped her on the eve of her wedding to Jeff Sessler. At the time, Sessler was a member of the Rolling Stones’ entourage. John Phillips passed away in 2001.
Mackenzie said John and herself were pumped full of drugs when she woke up to realize her father was pumping her. And if THAT isn't BAD ENOUGH, according to Mackenzie..she became a willing partner in the incestuous relationship much later.
Um...EW? HORRIFYING!
Additionally, Mackenzie Phillips has had a long history with drug abuse.
Papa Phillips shot the girl up for her first time. And she states she first tried cocaine when she was 11.
Another creepy old pervert, Mick Jagger, once had a close encounter with Phillips when she was 18. Jagger went into her room and locked the door. Jagger told her he had been waiting for that moment since she was 10 years old!
Mick stripped off his skin tight cat suit, bent over, and with lips so big he can play a tuba..from either end..demanded she snort cocaine off his taint, and mount him just like David Bowie did back in the day.
It's all true.
Also, this bombshell comes after Phillips was charged with two felonies last year on August 27, 2008 stemming from her arrest at LAX while on her way to a sitcom reunion in New York. Several baggies of cocaine and heroin fell out of her pants while going through airport security.
She was charged with one count of felony possession of cocaine and another for possession of heroin. The DA tacked on a misdemeanor charge of unauthorized possession of a hypodermic needle or syringe...just for kicks. I hope she has fully kicked the habit and gets some much needed therapy.
Upon hearing about her frightfully sick relationship with her father, this was my reaction...
video link for those who have flash disabled:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKac8r794OY
If I may be candid, after hearing about this twisted story...even after seeing The Exorcist as a kid and being scared shitless with all the gross vomit scenes in that flick...I don't like bringing this up...but, I now suffer from emetophobia.
Yes, an EMT with emetophobia (not scatophobia, or even worse, hemophobia...but emetophobia..and now I'm also experiencing bouts of Phillipsophobia - the abnormal and/or irrational fear of hearing about incestuous relationships within the Phillips and other celebrity families.)
It's going to take years of therapy for me to get over this. I think I'm gonna sue.
Wanna know why I have emetophobia? What's soft and warm when you go to bed but hard and stiff when you get up? VOMIT.
Any questions?!
The Sixty-Four Thousand Dollar Question At Walmart
As I've gotten older very few things shock me anymore. Mostly, things that are meant to be shocking end up making me laugh...which happens quite frequently. I often burst out into fits of laughter. I must look like a crazy person...just laughing hysterically seemingly for no reason.
Whether I'm at the bank and see my account balance after I make a deposit; whether I'm opening my mail and come across my latest cable bill; or whether I'm surfing the internets. This would be one of those moments.
How The Sci Fi Channel Became a Venereal Disease
SyFy (n.)
1. Slang for syphilis, a venereal disease.
2. Name of a TV network that shows imagination-based programming to go with their illusionary ratings. Failing after a re-branding press release insulted its core audience.
3. New phonetic spelling for the Sci Fi channel. This is so people texting about their favorite programs on the channel will not have to unnecessarily overtax their brains or thumbs.
How does that happen you ask? Because the greatest network on cable, The Sci Fi Channel (reknown for their quality original films) has changed their abbreviated nickname to SyFy...a term associated with syphilis.
Can You Hear Me Now?
"The inability to stay quiet is one
of the conspicuous failings of mankind."
- Walter Bagehot, 1826-1877
I'm sure you've all been asking yourselves "where has that wild and crazy guy, Static been?" I'll tell you in this torrid tale, just for your inquiring minds that will make your socks shoot off your feet, right into the dirty clothes hamper. It's about damn time too, they were starting to get all crunchy it's been so long since ya changed 'em. Hasn't it?
My gripe of the week: Goddamn cellphone tards! Consider yourself warned.
The Internet Is For Porn and HoBlogging!
Perhaps the funniest depiction of this was a Chappelle Show episode. I posted an article on this back in Aug 2007.
It's probably NSFW if you've never seen it, and it's absolutely hilarious, but it definitely raises a number of points that speak to the industry we are either exposed to at some point, or that we work in.
Here's a scenario for you..
Joe the finance executive at a bank is browsing the web. He visits a news site, and a link to a site that suggest adult conversations is flashing in the ad banner space.
Now, Joe is happily married...yet he's curious. Like most women, his wife has lost interest in sex, or more appropriately..she has lost interest in having sex with a pot-bellied red-faced knuckle-dragging smelly conversationally challenged troglodyte, like Joe.
And so temptation overrules logical thought for Joe. He's acting completely right-brained at this point. Living in the moment, simply for the sake of the moment, not thinking about the future. He visits the "adult conversation" site and...BAM! He's assaulted with pictures and pop ups of all forms of pornography.
Now Joe's in a whole other world (also "ho...nutha...level" - the H.N.L.) His basal instincts have taken over and what was supposed to be a quick check in of the local news turned into a revolting and shocking trip down Porno Lane. A few clicks later and an install of flash player, and he's merrily watching some streaming porn on his laptop at work.
For probably the first time in his pathetic life, Joe is happy, Joe is enjoying himself. IMMENSELY.
You, or a similar version of you, an employee of the IT Dept at the bank.. sitting in your position of overwatch, looking for strange and outlandish network behavior notice Joe's computer doing something like this:
111.222.33.44,FSPA,27289,72.213.167.190,FSA,80,909,573,11,6,0,0,TCP,POST / HTTP/1.1..Host: filthybuttfxxkers.com..Content-Length: 116..Connection: close.....,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.33..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 16:20:27 GMT.
111.222.33.44,FSPA,42583,212.55.163.216,FSA,80,784,687,10,6,0,0,TCP,POST /4D3D07E3ABDFC3C5/qxUX4xETUFYBWqc0kaWCzvoCcAQCYSNwZgcyFiBAByC73XXm0CcAYgVSB,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.35..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 16:40:16 GMT.
111.222.33.44,FSPA,16197,212.55.163.216,FSA,80,848,1054,11,7,0,0,TCP,POST /4D3D07E3ABDFC3C5/qxUX4xETUFYBWqc0kaWCzvoCcAQCYSNwZgcyFiBAByC73XXm0CcAYgVSB,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.35..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 17:00:17 GMT.
111.222.33.44,FSPA,3884,66.102.1.101,FSPA,80,1334,12549,13,14,0,0,TCP,POST /safebrowsing/downloads?client=navclient-auto-ffox&appver=3.0.5&pver=2.2&wr,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Content-Type: application/vnd.google.safebrowsing-update..Date:,,1010110100101011010110100101011010110100101011100000101011010010101,,
111.222.33.44,FSPA,58415,212.55.163.216, HOLY SHIT THIS GUY IS A GOD-DAMN PERVERT! 80,784,687,10,6,0,0,TCP,POST /4D3D07E3ABDFC3C5/qxUX4xETUFYBWqc0kaWCzvoCcAQCYSNwZgcyFiBAByC73XXm0CcAYgVSB,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.35..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 18:00:20 GMT.
Joe has managed to visit one of the countless porn sites that is actually owned and/or operated by a sub-group in organized crime, or hosts malicious flash or other malware.
Joe, in his quest for local news, and following his temptations has opened himself up, and the organization to a whole new world of risk.
Joe is compromised. And so is his job.
Not only is he compromised but he's managed to get a copy of Sinowal loaded on to his computer. Joe, being the finance director at the bank has access to all of the financial information of all of the bank's customers, and he uses this access to run reports. Joe is now responsible for exposing the records for all of the customers of the bank.
Ok, enough about Joe.
What I find interesting about this all is how in a matter of a few seconds, one can go from a nice clean site to an awful bodega of porn in a matter of a few clicks. Like six degrees of separation, the internet appears to be '6 clicks to porn', as in from any site you can end up at a porn site in 6 clicks...or less, depending on how internet savvy you are. Savvy?
It's like walking down a street in a major city and from block to block, you can go from the best part of the city, to the worst and most dangerous. To buy crack cocaine and obtain the services of a hooker. I don't know many people that would willingly walk down a dark dank avenue known to have muggers and other dangerous people. Yet, people do it daily on the internet.
Most users don't seem to put the two together. For some reason it's as if people still believe that computers are in a separate reality and whatever happens on a computer does not have the ability to affect real people or their lives.
If the saying is to be believed, that computers are deterministic, then it can easily be stated that computers don't do bad things. People using computers doing stupid things leads to computers doing bad or stupid things. So shame on you stupid people!
That said, in the case of Joe, do you think he should be punished or should you simply investigate the computer intrusion and ban the internet? Do your intrusion investigations lead to investigation of the people using the computer and ban them from procreating? Is Joe the Witness, the Perpetrator, or the Victim? What's your decision making process? What is the square root of 4 billion 500 thousand and two?
So let's say Joe hypothetically loses his job at the bank, which he does, and his car is repossessed for non-payment, his home is foreclosed for non-payment, and Joe hypothetically becomes homeless as a result, which he is. No one wants to hire a porn addicted banker! Not even McDonald's would hire such a sad sack of vermin.
He takes up the practice of HoBlogging - or hobo blogging..ie. the practice of Twittering without a nest, Googling devoid of an abode, IMing other internet hobos from the comfort of a public library, surfing for porn outside of your element.
How would this impact the world of social networking?
Why, it might mean the spread of information such as this:
How Not To Get A Job
Vice presidents and Personnel Directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:
* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
* Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
* Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
* Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
* Candidate brought large dog to interview.
* Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
* Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates:
* "What is it that you people do at this company?"
* "What is the company motto?"
* "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
* "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
* "Why do you want references?"
* "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
* "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
* "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
* "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
* "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
* "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
* "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
* "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
* "Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process:
* "I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
* "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
* "I feel uneasy indoors."
* "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
* "Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
* "I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."
* "I get excited very easily."
* "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
* "I am fascinated by fire."
* "I like tall women."
* "Whenever a man is with a woman, he is usually thinking about sex."
* "People are always watching me."
* "If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
* "Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
* "I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
* "I never get hungry."
* "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
* "If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
* "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
* "My legs are really hairy."
* "I think I'm going to throw up."
These quotes are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. (Note: all typographical errors, etc., are as intended.)
* "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
* "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
* "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
* "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
* "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial instutions."
* "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
* "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
* "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
* "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
* "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
* "Marital Status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
* "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
* "My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge."
* "I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant."
* "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
* "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
* "Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store."
* "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
* "Marital Status: often. Children: various."
* "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
* "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
* "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
* "References: none. I've left a path of descruction behind me."
OR
How Not To Get A Job
And Become A HoBlogging Internet Pornographic SEO Internet Marketing Guru Instead
* Go to a local public library
* Get on the internet
* Sign up for a free email account at Yahoo/Google etc.
* Sign up for a free account at Blogger/Wordpress, etc.
* Write like crazy
*Spam the fuck out of it at social networking sites, etc. like there's no tomorrow
*Tomorrow do it all over again
So as you can see it is possible to have a job "HoBlogging" and make some profit if you are homeless, whether you've lost your job because of the bad economy, or lost your job through your own stupidity...either way join this emerging trend and find a new career as a HoBlogger!
- Static
on being homeless and HoBlogging
Saving The World With Torture
"In the name of Hippocrates, doctors have invented the most exquisite form of torture ever known to man: survival."
- Luis Buñuel
(Spanish Film Director, 1900-1983)
Ever heard of waterboarding? Let's just say it's not an aquatic sport such as surfing.
A Memory Stick Loaded with Porn Beats a Box Load of Rocks Any Day
Looking for a unique gift? A gift that says it all?
This is what you were seeking then. A gift that exudes style with originality - with simplicity. What better way to show that special someone in your life that you care?
What mother doesn't know that their son would be thrilled when they give them a new Nintendo DS for their birthday.
So imagine the confusion a teen boy experiences upon opening up his gift.. only to find a bunch of stones rolled up in a Chinese newspaper in place of the popular handheld.
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