Overly Attached Jesus

My ex is a bit psycho. They just can't understand why I don't like overprotective and clingy.

based on Overly Attached Girlfriend @ Know Your Meme

#BlasphemyDay

p.s. it's satire. Want to do the world a service? Be tolerant, even of those that are intolerant of you and/or your beliefs. #ToleranceDay

So What If It's An Empty Chair, It's Therapy

Eastwood is justifiably angry.
Because he's old.

After Clint Eastwood's appearance at the RNC to support Mitt Romney, his empty chair routine thrilled delegates but lost the rest of us. This peculiar performance has had critics doing cartwheels. I'm not quite sure why this was so shocking or funny to some people. It's not like we haven't, or won't experience at some point the effects of aging on those near and dear to ourselves. Here is my reasoning behind Eastwood's behavior in a piece I'd like to call "Empty Chair, Empty Minds, Empty Hearts".

My Encounter With Bigfoot By Karl Childers

"Some folks call it a sling blade,
I reckon I call it a Kaiser blade.
Good for slicin' up bisquits
and French fried 'taters."

One time I's prowling in the wilderness, wandering about, kindly got lost and so weak and hungry I couldn't go. When it begin to get cool, I found a big cave and crawled backin there to get warm. Mm-hmm. Crawled back in and come upon a leaf bed and I dozed off to sleep.

I heard a nawful racket coming into that cave, and something come in and crawled right over me and laid down like a big old bear. It was a hairy thing and when it laid down it went chomp, chomp, chawing on something. I thought to myself, "I'll see what it is and find out what it is eating." Mm-hmm.

Political Suess

What if life in Washington were like a Dr. Seuss book? Don't you wonder what that might be like? I know I do. It's not as far-fetched as you might think.

Yertle the Turtle thinks he is the king of the pond. He brags that he is the biggest, the fastest, and the strongest. All was well until he decided his kingdom was too small. He made each turtle stand on another one’s back. And he piled them all up in a big turtle stack. And underneath Yertle, it's turtles all the way down.

If You Want To Occupy, Occupy This

Occupy Wall Street has been gaining momentum since it was conceptualized, spreading globally to places as far away as Antarctica. Many occupiers have taken to the internet to air their grievances, and social networks like Facebook have provided an accessible place for protesters to gather together and discuss news and other subjects related to their cause. So far there's been a large turnout. However, it hasn't stopped there. The movement to Occupy has made it to the stars, because only the stars are the limit.

CACA Needs Your Support In The Fight Against DWTS

Scientists and entertainers on ABC have JUST gotten out of hand. Their foul plans bring godlessness and corruption to everything they touch. They have defied Gawd's Holy Word and have committed the following abominations against Gawd and Man:

1. made the earth round
2. made monkeys unto our forefathers
3. allowed women to read and write, to have orgasms, and lay with other women

Trolling Mark Zuckerberg on Google +

I have to admit nothing has been more fun on Google + than trolling douchebag trolls like Mark Zuckerberg. Apparently, I got his attention with these two comments - and he appears to be thin-skinned because not long after I started bagging on him he blocked me.

Why The Rapture Failed

And lo, it came to pass that Macho Man Randy Savage did prevent the impending Rapture. Amen.

Macho Man Randy Savage Dies In Car Accident (5/20/2011 day before Rapture prediction) [Full Story]

The Ruptured

LINK

Oh, cheer up Harold. We all make mistakes. It's not the end of the world.

Further reading amusement: Harold Camping - "World will actually end in October"

Obscure Moments in Pop Culture History II

The Rapture. Tomorrow. Be there or be square. OR don't...it just means more virgins for me, or whatever we get in Heaven. It's Heaven, after all. I am sure you can practically get just about anything you want there. Fried Twinkies drowned in hot fudge on top of a pepperoni pizza wrapped inside of a beef and bean burrito smothered in green salsa stuffed inside of a rack of barbequed spare ribs doused with maple syrup surrounded by a garnish of chocolate truffles dipped in bullcrap. No? I guess it's just me then.

In any event, to make a long story short, all day I've been hearing about and was subjected to some lengthy reading that revealed to me that tomorrow is Official Judgment Day, and seeings as I am a bit short on repentance - at least I think I am (it gets a bit spotty after I've had a few beers at the end of the day) - apparently, I have some heavy repenting to do, in - oh, I dunno...roughly 2 hours, 35 minutes, and 10 seconds.

Q & A With the Easter Bunny

Jenny: So who is the Easter Bunny, really?

Easter Bunny: I am a part-time test subject for Revlon and I moonlight in the entertainment industry. Maybe you've seen my work in Peter Rabbit, Looney Tunes, and the Cadbury Egg commercial advertisements? I like to talk about myself in third person. Every year near Easter, I preach the words of Jesus and warn children of atheists not to meddle in theology that doesn't belong to them. After these sermons, photo opportunities are generally granted, but only to the pious for $5. My neighbors describe me as "a quiet loner." The rotting corpse of the Energizer Bunny was recently discovered in the Easter Bunny's crawl space. Christ Jebus! Easter has been canceled folks. They found the body. On that note, I have to go now.

p.s. Cadbury Eggs are made from feces of C-list celebrities.

For Rent: 4.5 Billion-Year-Old Ball of Fire

Add this image to your website:
<p><a href="http://www.krapsody.com/2011/01/for-rent-45-billion-year-old-ball-of.html"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt9QTmt4IPMn-q4pGNMEA8ypnRLDGnIrhRYOoytFj3_sQKLC9HvZrJm2HS92vcvBnvBqdrgdJOa2wFvTcydy-_B40dD_DTbzv4H3BPm09hjc68Z2SXOkcEp5Og7WXh-eSp_vvRST7ICitI/s400/newspaper.jpg" border="0" alt="Sun For Rent" /></a></p><p>Image by <a href="http://www.krapsody.com/">Krapsody.com</a></p>


*based on a news story involving, Angeles Duran, who lives in Salvaterra do Mino, Spain. She recently laid claim to the sun legally.

According to an AFP article:

"...she now wants to slap a fee on everyone who uses the sun and give half of the proceeds to the Spanish government and 20 percent to the nation's pension fund.

She would dedicate another 10 percent to research, another 10 percent to ending world hunger -- and would keep the remaining 10 percent herself."

Half the proceeds to the government? Really?? 20 percent to the nation's pension fund? And only 10 percent to research, another 10 percent to ending world hunger, and the remaining 10 percent for herself?? Gee...how altruistic of her.

News on the street is that she will have to adjust the lease to prorate the rent for those days when there have been, or will be, a full or partial solar eclipse.

Additionally, this extends to solar flare activity as well, which disrupts electronics and satellites orbiting our planet. Disruptions in service include cellphone reception and telecommunications transmissions on other technological devices including electrical power.

Lest I forget, a class action lawsuit is in the works: people who have been burnt by the Sun and/or end up with skin cancers are suing Ms. Duran for pain and suffering caused by her celestial body, as well as her responsibility for global warming. Lots of pissed off people I gather. She should be getting bitch slapped with the subpoena as this article is being published. Not such a good idea now, is it, Ms. Duran? 0 percent win. 100 percent FAIL.

New Study Lends Credibility To Theory That We Don't Know Jack Schitt

Sat. January 1, 2011

Godthåb, Greenland (Krapsody) - By reconstructing the brains of extinct birds, researchers are shedding light on when birds evolved into creatures of flight. Overwhelming evidence suggests birds evolved from dinosaurs some 150 million years ago, but one of the missing pieces to the evolutionary puzzle is how such birds left their gates, taxied down the tarmac and finally took to the air.

Scientists in Greenland are focusing on changes in the size of a part of the rear of the brain. This part of the cerebellum, known as the flatulus (flat-choo-lus), is responsible for integrating visual and balance signals during flight, allowing birds to judge the position of other objects in midflight and release excess flatus.

"We believe we can discover how the flatulus has evolved to deal with different flying abilities, giving us new information about when birds first evolved the power of flight and ultimately, flatus. This of course makes them more buoyant, providing the "aerostatic" lift necessary for flight," said project leader Stig Qarasaasiaq, senior curator of vertebrate palaeobiology at National Museums Greenland.

In collaboration with the University of Crocodile Dundee, investigators are scanning fossils of at least a half-dozen extinct species and the skulls of roughly 100 modern birds in unusual detail. "Unlike medical scanners, which take a series of slice images through an object that may be up to...well, uhh, I don't know exactly how far apart, but it's really small..and the 3-D scanner at the University can be accurate up to..umm, something a bit smaller," Qarasaasiaq said. (The width of a strand of hair is a tad smaller than that.)

And in a related study by the same group, the reconstruction of the brains of extinct Creationists (also known as flatulus antiquitus or "old farts"), researchers reveal when humans mutated into creatures of sub-human species. Overwhelming evidence suggests Creationists probably evolved from apes some 2,000 years ago, but one of the missing pieces to the evolutionary puzzle is how such anthropoids skipped the missing link and basic public school Life Science courses, in addition to their continuation well into the modern era.

When it comes to the modern Creationists, "We are particularly interested in species that are closely related where there are somewhat intelligent and non-intelligent examples, such as Neoconservatives, Tea Party protesters, Fred Phelps, and Glenn Beck," leading project investigator Jack Schitt, told Krapsody.

Schitt went on to add, "I also see a direct correlation between the flatulus in birds and that of the extinct Creationists. The presence of flatus has led to them both being full of hot air. Brain farts are a customary occurrence in mammalia and aves together. This is just common knowledge."

Schitt, who was made famous by his Pulitzer prize-winning articles, "No Schitt, Sherlock" April 25, 1973, and "To Know Me is to Know Something, Apparently – the Autobiographical Lies of Jack Schitt" July 24, 1991, believes this research lends credibility to many theories in regards to the distinct possibility that no one really knows Jack Schitt.

More on this amazing story as it develops.

The Oscars Summed Up In One Photo

Did you catch the Oscars Sunday night? Wait..wait..wait. Better question: did you enjoy them? Between Ben Stiller's awful Avatar spoof, and those horribly tedious - "I'd like to thank the Academy" and "I'd like to thank Gawd" acceptance speeches, I think I've found the cure for Oscar night blues, and it ain't more cowbell.

Thought For The Day: Mom's In Demand

It's been a while between articles, but I'm never gone for long. The internet has a better chance of getting rid of me once Hell freezes over, and considering climate changes and global warming that will happen NEVER. And so lately I've been awful busy making cheese and selling door knobs, and in this economy it's just that much more difficult to sell door knobs made of cheese.

Institutions of Jocularity Part III: Funny Tax Laws

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
- the IRS man

After my post about the Internal Revenue Service last year, I just can't help but find more fodder for amusement whenever I deal with them. This installation of Institutions of Jocularity addresses tax laws that make you go, "hunh?"

As I was doing my taxes this year I looked up some information to see what kinds of income is considered taxable. Well, guess what? Surprises, surprises. Never a dull moment.

As a recipient of student loans and grants last year, I wanted to double check what the guidelines were for 2008 in receiving those payments, and if any of it was considered taxable. Some of it can be considered taxable, but only if it goes over a certain amount above tuition costs.

In my research, I also found some other interesting information about miscellaneous income. Just what is considered taxable income according to the U.S. Internal Revenue Service? Some of these are quite funny.


Bribes. If you receive a bribe, include it in your income.

Car pools. Do not include in your income amounts you receive from the passengers for driving a car in a car pool to and from work. These amounts are considered reimbursement for your expenses. However, this rule does not apply if you have developed car pool arrangements into a profit-making business of transporting workers for hire.

Emotional distress. Emotional distress itself is not a physical injury or physical sickness, but damages you receive for emotional distress due to a physical injury or sickness are treated as received for the physical injury or sickness. Do not include them in your income.

If the emotional distress is due to a personal injury that is not due to a physical injury or sickness (for example, unlawful discrimination or injury to reputation), you must include the damages in your income, except for any damages you receive for medical care due to that emotional distress. Emotional distress includes physical symptoms that result from emotional distress, such as headaches, insomnia, and stomach disorders.

Found property. If you find and keep property that does not belong to you that has been lost or abandoned (treasure-trove), it is taxable to you at its fair market value in the first year it is your undisputed possession.

Illegal activities. Income from illegal activities, such as money from dealing illegal drugs, must be included in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.

Kickbacks. You must include kickbacks, side commissions, push money, or similar payments you receive in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.

Example.

You sell cars and help arrange car insurance for buyers. Insurance brokers pay back part of their commissions to you for referring customers to them. You must include the kickbacks in your income.


Stolen property. If you steal property, you must report its fair market value in your income in the year you steal it unless in the same year, you return it to its rightful owner.


Pretty disconcerting, hunh? You think anybody that crooked (or lucky in some instances) would actually be stupid enough to report any of those earnings listed above?

To add insult to injury, millions of Americans enjoying their small windfall from President Barack Obama's "Making Work Pay" tax credit are in for an unpleasant surprise, not only this spring, but next year too. The government is going to want some of that money back.

The tax credit is supposed to provide up to $400 to individuals and $800 to married couples as part of the massive economic recovery package enacted back in February. Most workers started receiving the credit through small increases in their paychecks in recent months.

But new tax withholding tables issued by the IRS could cause millions of taxpayers to get hundreds of dollars more than they are entitled to under the credit, money that has to be repaid at tax time.

At-risk taxpayers include a broad swath of the public: married couples in which both spouses work; workers with more than one job; retirees who have federal income taxes withheld from their pension payments; Social Security recipients; jackolopes and other small furry woodland creatures with jobs that provide taxable income; and even people without jobs including the homeless, and those whose income is only peanuts and pocket lint.

The Internal Revenue Service acknowledges problems with the withholding tables but has done little to warn average taxpayers. Wow, what a novel idea..advance warning or notice..providing problem-free withholding tables?

These were probably the same math geniuses that AIG and Bank of America hired. Sometimes 2 + 2 doesn't equal 4, I guess in this case it equals -786,999,999,996...

that's 786 billion, 999 million, 999 thousand, 996 dollars - and 4 more dollars would equal the president's economic stimulus plan.

Actually, the monies are being paid under a new program known as GIT-MO-TO-VO-EX-FU-LA (an acronym for:)

GIT the MOney TO the VOters, EXplain the Fuck Up (self explanatory) LAter.

Hey, it takes the IRS to screw up the tax tables, and more than one president to screw up the economy. I don't think any of that was in the plan. Shit happens, constantly. If there's one constant in the universe it's not how much idiots suck, it's that shit happens.

But I guess everyone is entitled to a 'mulligan' once in a while.

Did ya file your taxes and get a nasty surprise? Luckily, I didn't notice much of a tax credit this year, but I'll be keeping a close eye on my paychecks so I don't end up owing these assholes more money. And if I do, I'll be taking advantage of my mulligan card.

This tax table fiasco must be part of a vast political conspiracy...perhaps an attack from left-wing right-wing chicken-wing representatives and their ass-kissing pundits? Depends on who you ask, but my money is on impartial, unaffiliated, unbiased incompetence, otherwise known as the Pass The Buck Party which states one mission > To blame somebody, anybody other than the people who are actually responsible.

And if you did get screwed by this already, well bend over, there's more of that where it came from..courtesy of Washington. And remember, votes do count. Until next time!


----------------
Listening to:

"Taxman" - The Beatles
"Money" - Pink Floyd
"I'm Gonna Force Feed that IRS Man My Tax Money in Pennies, Bitch" - Static

Ten Things God Would Die For

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."

- Stephen King

Mar 05, 2009

Retardeau, France (Krapsody)- A flashback to an article I published last year as a guest blogger on the now defunct Cult of Qelqoth. I examined what the Pope's visit to France brought in the way of spiritual enlightenment.

Is God appalled at the primitive, downright heretical, nature of our prayers? Does God truly have mercy on us? Will God save humanity once again? These questions and more have finally been answered here - your direct port to the Almighty.

Institutions of Jocularity Part II

Tue Feb. 03, 2009

Dingleberry, USA (Krapsody) - The other evening while looking at the moon through a telescope I saw a few people screwing around up there, as if that wasn't alarming enough one of them had a telescope and they noticed me watching them. This Buzz Aldrin lookin' bastard gave me the finger and then mooned me. Not much else to say about that. But I managed to get a picture.

Top Six Scientific Research Studies Claim 'Holy Grail'

"The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom." - Isaac Asimov

Never has a truer statement been uttered in all the existence of humankind. If you've reached this site by accident, I suggest you panic. Because what I'm going to tell you is going to blow your mind, and change the way you see things. And if it doesn't then you are either a festering sack of bat carcasses or you are hip to this scientific study already, and it has therefore rendered you brain-dead, stupefied and/or all of the above.

Institutions of Jocularity Part I

Fri Jan. 09, 2009

Dingleberry, USA (Krapsody) - Sphincterology, it's not just for assholes anymore. In my continuing effort to bring readers great things, I present you with the latest scoop on religious cults and their megalomaniacal leaders and sheep-like followers..damn you all.