Pat Robertson Says Blue M&M's Devine Retribution

Vagina Beach, VA - Rev. Pat Robertson has always been known as a shining beacon of hope and all that is good and holy, from his Liberian diamond mine venture, to his call for Hugo Chavez’s assassination.

After his remarks that earthquake stricken Haiti got what it deserved because of its pact with the Devil, it is now quite evident that Pat Robertson has lost his damn mind.

Ask Static: Festivity Level Critical

Q: Dear Static,
You seem like a party kinda guy. How do you throw the ultimate Christmas party? Some parties may be seen as fun in the eyes of a few - but may not be seen that way by others. So what do you do? Do you invite the people over for Christmas you know will like your party, or, those you prefer the company of, but probably won't like your party. Do you dismiss the idea of having any Christmas party at all?

Thanks,

Party Monster


A: Party Monster,

This is difficult to answer because, a party might be fun for some folks, but to others it may not. Because of this we find ourselves in a catch 22 situation. What do you do? I'll tell you what you do.

If you have ever thrown a Christmas party, the worst thing you could do is throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Because you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.

What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days later and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. ADEQUATE. REASONABLY ENTERTAINING. BUT SAFE AND...BORING! CONSIDER THIS EQUAL TO DEFCON 5 ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY SCALE.

Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. WE'RE GETTING WARMER. BUMP THIS UP TO DEFCON 4.

Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them. NOW THIS IS THE WAY TO SPREAD THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! COULD BE EQUATED WITH DEFCON 3 OR DEFCON 2 READINESS DEPENDING ON THE INTENSITY OF RIOTING. PARTY CRASHERS NEED NOT APPLY AT THIS POINT, SINCE CHAOS HAS ALREADY ERUPTED.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)

Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing. ALERT! ALERT! DEFCON 1!

The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin, PCP, and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl.

If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility.

If you use enough PCP you won't have to worry about them getting anything but psychotic--but their alcohol toxicity level will probably lessen the possibility that they can carry out all of their impulses.

All you need to do then is pressure induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:

Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"

You: "No."

Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."

You: "About the drugs?"

Police: "No."

You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?!"

Police: "No, the noise."

You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background)...Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"

Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"

You: "No problem." (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn and spray painted all over it emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning. One is still behind the wheel, slumped over, their face pressed against the horn.) "See? Things are already starting to wind down."

****Note: Festivity Level Four has been endorsed by Black Santa Claus, who is taking Twitter by storm, five short days after I created an account for him. Which means...REDCON 1, COCKED PISTOL Y'ALL! =)


Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Exceptions, of course, are if you're suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

Thought For The Day: Mom's In Demand

It's been a while between articles, but I'm never gone for long. The internet has a better chance of getting rid of me once Hell freezes over, and considering climate changes and global warming that will happen NEVER. And so lately I've been awful busy making cheese and selling door knobs, and in this economy it's just that much more difficult to sell door knobs made of cheese.

Dylan Army Goes AWOL

44 years ago at Newport Folk Festival, Bob Dylan shocked fans by performing an unheard of electric set to a die-hard folk audience. This year he shocked fans once again...most readers first inclination will be to think of his Christmas album release. But no. This time Dylan completely surprised by plugging-in and jamming on a synthesizer at a recent performance at Wang Theatre in Boston, MA.

Swine Flu and You

Coming to my Swine Flu Party? We're gonna lick all the inanimate objects in the house..like the door knobs, sneeze on the dinnerware, spit in the punch bowl, then we're gonna fill up Super Soakers with fresh ladlefuls of body fluids and squirt attendees in the face. Come on in!


Most experts say that deliberately seeking out the H1N1 virus in the hopes of becoming immunized is a bad idea. I'm no expert, but I have to say you are a total fucktard if you think this is a good idea.

During one of the many cholera pandemics, do you think people went out of their way to collect diarrhea and roll around in and lap up the liquidy stools in hopes that they would become immune?

That would be like having unprotected sex with or shooting up with a syringe owned by an HIV positive infected person. You might as well increase the odds and load all the chambers on a revolver and then put it to your head and pull the trigger in some ass-backwards game of Russian roulette.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

What is the CDC’s recommendation regarding "swine flu parties"? (because the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are experts)

"Swine flu parties" are gatherings during which people have close contact with a person who has 2009 H1N1 flu in order to become infected with the virus. The intent of these parties is for a person to become infected with what for many people has been a mild disease, in the hope of having natural immunity 2009 H1N1 flu virus that might circulate later and cause more severe disease.

CDC does not recommend "swine flu parties" as a way to protect against 2009 H1N1 flu in the future. While the disease seen in the current 2009 H1N1 flu outbreak has been mild for many people, it has been severe and even fatal for others. There is no way to predict with certainty what the outcome will be for an individual or, equally important, for others to whom the intentionally infected person may spread the virus.

CDC recommends that people with 2009 H1N1 flu avoid contact with others as much as possible. If you are sick with flu-like illness, CDC recommends that you stay home for at least 24 hours after your fever is gone except to get medical care or for other necessities. (Your fever should be gone without the use of a fever-reducing medicine.) Stay away from others as much as possible to keep from making others sick.

So..a quick review. Avoiding the swine flu = GOOD...trying to deliberately catch swine flu = BAD.

Did we get that yet? If you didn't, then you are really stupid and kind of deserve to get swine flu and in some cases..DIE. But I'm not down with deadly complications. Oh no, I wouldn't wish that kind of undignified death upon my worst enemy. Instead, I hope you just get really really sick, like puke-and-shit-yourself-silly sick and learn your lesson. No swine flu parties!

How about a "Let's Not Get The Swine Flu Party" instead?

There will be plenty of antiviral drugs passed out (the kind you have been trying to get but haven't been made available yet), several chemical germicides to choose from, rubber gloves, surgical masks, and biohazard suits. We can serve up some tasty oeur d'oeuvres with bacon, bacon-flavored soda, and pork rinds.


Remember: Bacon Makes Everything Better!

Maybe if I get the bacon girl baconed up enough, I'll get lucky and make some bacon on the beach. Regular exposure to pigs and pork products is not going to make you immune either, so scratch that idea.

Honestly, as far as swine flu goes, there are worse things to get. Like cholera, AIDS, or DirecTV.

In the meantime, as the Food and Drug Administration works like crazy to produce all that H1N1 flu vaccine that has been promised, Kanye West has offered to do a swine flu PSA because he's cool (and spontaneous) like that.

A Bedtime Story by Static

A bit of a hiatus between the Halloween Countdown, because I can't be arsed to suffer another review...even though to complete my degree that's what I have to do in my Film As Literature course...but at least most of those features are enjoyable to watch.


A long long time ago (really, the mid-late eighties) in a land far away (Denver, CO) a young prince (that'd be ME - I was a teenager, but in your years that is about 80) met a girl (a total skank) and they had a brief relationship (one week, and it was strictly physical because there was no intellectual chemistry there, her being a bimbo and all) and their blissful romance came to a crossroads (she and I kissed each other) when she shoved her tongue so far down the young prince's throat he practically gagged..no, in fact, he did gag, and choked on the girl's unusually long lizard-like tongue (it could also be compared to a slab of Canadian bacon). The girl sucked on the young prince's face, or more appropriately, his entire head like it was a honey baked ham and soon it became apparent to her that she resembled a snake trying to swallow a basketball. The girl realizing her french kiss epic fail and/or heinous esophageal rape, freaked out and acted like the young prince didn't appreciate her awkward advances, (which, after being practically drowned in her saliva and suffocated by her colossal yap, was mostly true) the girl in her hysteria and self-conscious neuroses (which were legion) accused HIM of not knowing how to kiss (???). The girl's accusations and incessant quarreling of course led to more discourse and no intercourse. So then their co-dependent relationship came to an abrupt end. They parted ways. She ended up a drugged-out 250lb cheerleader wannabe, with shoulders as broad as a linebacker's, ass wider than the broad side of a barn, and a wicked stepfather that committed a murder under their own roof (true story). AND the prince was forever grateful he didn't end up marrying that conniving bitch along with her EXCESSIVE baggage (live and learn) and they lived happily ever after. AMEN. The End.

Halloween Countdown: 14 Days : Devil's Rejects

Two weeks to Halloween and I haven't found the ultimate movie or meme to rate. But I'm getting closer with this edition.

The last movie I reviewed, that's an epic. It's just dandy. Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of it and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away. Just read on for more disposable entertainment.

If you've seen Rob Zombie's House of 1,000 Corpses then you've probably seen the sequel, Devil's Rejects. But if you haven't, then you're missing out on some fine family entertainment.

It doesn't really warrant a plot summary. But it does deserve some explanation. It's possibly one of the most indulgent horror movies you'll ever see. Over-the-top comedy and depravity at it's finest.

Nothing's better than an entire family of serial killers than a movie about an entire family of serial killers to get you in the mood for Halloween. And this by far has to be the best clip from that movie.

No. no. no..got it all wrong. The poor bastard just wanted some fried chicken, not to be ridiculed for the preparation and secret ingredient. It's CHICKEN PLUCKER. Not CHICKEN FUCKER. It's an auditory anomaly. Your ears are playing tricks on you.

Harland Sanders, a prominent chicken-fucker who heads a watchdog group that monitors the portrayal of chicken-fuckers in the media, is "not at all amused" by this clip, which gives you even more reason to see both of these celluloid offenses.

"Chicken-fuckers have feelings, too," he says. Mr. Sanders asserts that the explosion of chicken-fucking jokes on late-night TV and on the Internet are "insensitive and hurtful."

"Once again, we chicken-fuckers are being stereotyped and belittled," he said. "We need to get the message out that the act of love between a man and a chicken, when consensual, is a beautiful thing."

Sooo...keep pluckin' those chickens and rent, borrow, or steal Devil's Rejects.



Halloween Countdown

Thought For The Day No. 8

I would really like to find a useful application for lint. It seems like such a wasted resource. Honestly, I feel funny admitting this, but I don't empty the lint trap in the dryer until I know I can pull out a wad of lint so enormous, that it could only be compared to bigfoot, and then I feel like I've accomplished something.

Wash hundreds of socks. Remove lint. Continue napping. And my day is complete.
Let me be clear, I'm not excluding belly button lint here, either. I predict there will be an Art Movement of Belly Button Lint. I believe with the correct shampoo and styling products we could soon see Belly Button Lint gracing the catwalks in Paris and Milan.

Just think about it though. When you clean out your lint trap, imagine all those thick layers of lint you toss out. What if they could be "recycled" and "reused"? Which reminds me, how many socks do you lose every year in your dryer?

Interesting enough, lint can make a great layer of insulation for homes. There are many many other uses for it as well.

For example, making thread from lint, you could replace those lost pair of socks in no time.

Those fuzzy fluffy fibers (which are essentially the by-product of fabrics!) would be a fabulous way to economize the textile industry, don't you think?

We're all trying to think outside of the box with our current economic situation: the restructuring of the health care system, the bailouts, the gasoline shortage and renewable energy...why shouldn't we consider clothing too?

Such an innovation could, oh I dunno...take on a reality series like Project Runway and provide it's homofabulous contestants with such new found passion they literally burst out of their pants?! It's a moment I know I've been eagerly awaiting.

There's no question that such innovation would set the fashion world on it's head!! What an accomplishment it would be to make lines of clothing from...FUZZ! Whether that's dryer or belly button lint (lint in general being the least acknowledged resource), right?! (for more fashion sense see my Hobo Chic article)

In all my excitement it appears I've overlooked an important companion to Belly Button Lint - Bum Crack Lint! Lint can also accumulate at the top of your bum crack, near the small of your back. YES! I know, right?! Depending on the size of your ass, there can be QUITE an accumulation.

Just how much is the question. What is the relationship between these two lint accumulators I wonder? Are they always the same color? Does lint migrate from one location to the other? What are the relative lint densities between bum crack and belly button? There are clearly a number of important, unexplored issues here.

Maybe if we examine it from an astrophysics point-of-view; "A lint gland? Preposterous! However, it is possible through further research to determine that lint is drawn from our underwear by the gravitational force of the tiny black hole that each of us has in our navel." - Albert Einstein on Darwin's Belly Button Lint Theory


Or perhaps human biology is at work; "Lint actually comes from the inside of your belly. This occurred after thousands of years of evolution. There is a (yet-to-be-discovered) lint gland, which resides just behind your belly button. This works something like our sinuses, except instead of producing mucus, it produces lint." - Charles Darwin on The Belly Button Lint Theory


But perhaps the belly button is simply where lint goes to retire after working it's way towards your belly button it's entire life. This is where things get tricky.

According to recent polls conducted by Yours Truly, (there were no subjects to interview, so I made that up), people are relatively indifferent to lint (meaning they have little contempt or love for it).

For example, the "If Your Relationship To Lint Were A Romance, Would Your Feelings Best Be Described As.." poll, consisting of the following answers:

a.) Running scared for the hills!
b.) Wanting to commit, but always feeling unsure.
c.) Ready to make a permanent commitment.
d.) Interested, but taking it slowly and carefully.

25.8% of those polled responded with 'a', 24.6% responded with 'b', 24.3% responded with 'c', 23.9% responded with 'd', and 1.4% responded with "no clue", "get a life", and "f*** the hell off". So the answers given were all too close to really confirm whether people absolutely love or hate lint.

And the "Other Possible Uses For Belly Button Fluff Would Be..." poll I conducted revealed some of the following responses:

storage: "My friend collects his boyfriend's and stores it in his teddy bear." [That Paris (Hilton)..she's a riot!]

clothing: "I'm saving mine to knit a jacket." [Martha Stewart is so resourceful, isn't she?]

baldness: "I'm collecting it for my male pattern baldness . . . " [What does that mean exactly? F*** if I know!]

homecraft: "I reckon we should establish Belly Button Lint collection stations, and make quilts and pillows from it. Maybe we could establish a cottage industry, and have people with spinning wheels recreating cotton and other fabrics from the lint." [EXACTLY!]

lighting: "Could Belly Button Lint be combined with ear wax to make a candle? This could go some way towards solving the energy crisis. I have plenty of ear wax to donate." [I believe this person (Al Gore) is a genius!]

firestarting: "It's useful as tinder when out in the wilderness." [Smokey The Bear is so cool!]


Speaking of wilderness survival, how about those reality TV survival series? Unlike Bear Grylls, most of my skills would be useless in the wilderness. Unless you count making balloon animals as being useful.

Although, balloon artistry is not so useful unless you plan on becoming a clown.
And let's face it, clowns are not so entertaining or popular once you pass a certain age...only fit for children and those that are easily amused.

Although, clown popularity could change if more reality TV shows involving clowns were available for viewers. Here's how one possible reality clown series might play out...

Wilderness Survival Clown: episode 1
Bear spots clown
Clown spots bear
Bear approaches clown
Clown squirts bear w/seltzer water
Bear mauls clown
Wilderness Survival Clown fail

See? Now how entertaining would THAT be? Clown meets bear, bear kills clown. The show contains information, romance, suspense, drama, and lols all in one!


















----------------------------------------------
Listening to:
The Lint Song by MC Lars
---------------------------

The Evolution of Pharmaceuticals

As the health care reform debate reaches it's pinnacle of lunacy, I think it's high time to blow off some much needed steam...by focusing on the general public outcry for affordable medications and health care (and how they feel about it) whether the government is involved or not! Y'know, because the general public is sick and tired of getting ass-raped by pharmaceutical companies (one of the real evils in all of this)?

The Evolution of Pharmaceuticals

	2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

	1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

	1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

	1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

	1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

	2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

	2040 A.D. - That root is gone. Extinct. Nada. Here, shove this sand in your bio-port!

*note: This article was not endorsed or approved of by Pfizer, Procter & Gamble, Johnson & Johnson, Bayer, AstraZeneca, 3M Pharmaceuticals, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Biogen Idec, nor any other Big/Little/or Medium-sized Pharma company. But they sure like teh buttsecks!...this article also does not take into account that 2012 is the end of the world according to the Mayan calendar.

How The Sci Fi Channel Became a Venereal Disease

SyFy (n.)

1. Slang for syphilis, a venereal disease.

2. Name of a TV network that shows imagination-based programming to go with their illusionary ratings. Failing after a re-branding press release insulted its core audience.

3. New phonetic spelling for the Sci Fi channel. This is so people texting about their favorite programs on the channel will not have to unnecessarily overtax their brains or thumbs.

How does that happen you ask? Because the greatest network on cable, The Sci Fi Channel (reknown for their quality original films) has changed their abbreviated nickname to SyFy...a term associated with syphilis.

My Chat Session With "Steve"

I recently picked up a Palm Pre from some shlep on Craigslist. I am hopeful they aren't an eStalker, or a serial killer...actually I do, simply because I'd like to take them out. I enjoy raping and strangling serial killers (more than I do clowns, but sometimes it's a real bonus when they are both). So anyhow, as luck would have it, the damn thing has had connectivity issues (they can be resolved), but I needed "technical support" at Palm to help me get it resolved. Anyway, here's that conversation.

Lick The Big Bone (Revised)

 

"The greatest service which can be rendered any country is to add a useful plant to its culture."

- Thomas Jefferson

I don't know about you, but I sure would like a puff of whatever plants he was smokin'.

You can thank Thomas Jefferson, the third President of the United States (1801–1809), and the principal author of the Declaration of Independence (1776), for starting what would become the largest collection of North American Mammoth fossil bones (in scientific speak that means, old massive pricks.) **No thanks to that wonderful duo, Lewis and Clark and their perverse expedition across America.**

History and science come together in this fascinating story of a woodland salt lick, and how the fossilized Big Bones found there influenced the beginnings of paleontological pornography in America.

A Totally Pointless Useless Arcane Stupid Deranged Puzzling Random Survey

"I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."

- Kahlil Gibran

Answer these questions at your own peril...

The Internet Is For Porn and HoBlogging!

I know you've been wondering for awhile now. And the facts are in. It's true. The internet is for porn! It's a well known saying to be sure. The internet is not strictly for looking up trivial information anymore. It's all about the booty.







Perhaps the funniest depiction of this was a Chappelle Show episode. I posted an article on this back in Aug 2007.

It's probably NSFW if you've never seen it, and it's absolutely hilarious, but it definitely raises a number of points that speak to the industry we are either exposed to at some point, or that we work in.

Here's a scenario for you..

Joe the finance executive at a bank is browsing the web. He visits a news site, and a link to a site that suggest adult conversations is flashing in the ad banner space.

Now, Joe is happily married...yet he's curious. Like most women, his wife has lost interest in sex, or more appropriately..she has lost interest in having sex with a pot-bellied red-faced knuckle-dragging smelly conversationally challenged troglodyte, like Joe.

And so temptation overrules logical thought for Joe. He's acting completely right-brained at this point. Living in the moment, simply for the sake of the moment, not thinking about the future. He visits the "adult conversation" site and...BAM! He's assaulted with pictures and pop ups of all forms of pornography.

Now Joe's in a whole other world (also "ho...nutha...level" - the H.N.L.) His basal instincts have taken over and what was supposed to be a quick check in of the local news turned into a revolting and shocking trip down Porno Lane. A few clicks later and an install of flash player, and he's merrily watching some streaming porn on his laptop at work.

For probably the first time in his pathetic life, Joe is happy, Joe is enjoying himself. IMMENSELY.

You, or a similar version of you, an employee of the IT Dept at the bank.. sitting in your position of overwatch, looking for strange and outlandish network behavior notice Joe's computer doing something like this:

111.222.33.44,FSPA,27289,72.213.167.190,FSA,80,909,573,11,6,0,0,TCP,POST / HTTP/1.1..Host: filthybuttfxxkers.com..Content-Length: 116..Connection: close.....,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.33..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 16:20:27 GMT.

111.222.33.44,FSPA,42583,212.55.163.216,FSA,80,784,687,10,6,0,0,TCP,POST /4D3D07E3ABDFC3C5/qxUX4xETUFYBWqc0kaWCzvoCcAQCYSNwZgcyFiBAByC73XXm0CcAYgVSB,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.35..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 16:40:16 GMT.

111.222.33.44,FSPA,16197,212.55.163.216,FSA,80,848,1054,11,7,0,0,TCP,POST /4D3D07E3ABDFC3C5/qxUX4xETUFYBWqc0kaWCzvoCcAQCYSNwZgcyFiBAByC73XXm0CcAYgVSB,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.35..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 17:00:17 GMT.

111.222.33.44,FSPA,3884,66.102.1.101,FSPA,80,1334,12549,13,14,0,0,TCP,POST /safebrowsing/downloads?client=navclient-auto-ffox&appver=3.0.5&pver=2.2&wr,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Content-Type: application/vnd.google.safebrowsing-update..Date:,,1010110100101011010110100101011010110100101011100000101011010010101,,

111.222.33.44,FSPA,58415,212.55.163.216, HOLY SHIT THIS GUY IS A GOD-DAMN PERVERT! 80,784,687,10,6,0,0,TCP,POST /4D3D07E3ABDFC3C5/qxUX4xETUFYBWqc0kaWCzvoCcAQCYSNwZgcyFiBAByC73XXm0CcAYgVSB,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.35..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 18:00:20 GMT.

Joe has managed to visit one of the countless porn sites that is actually owned and/or operated by a sub-group in organized crime, or hosts malicious flash or other malware.

Joe, in his quest for local news, and following his temptations has opened himself up, and the organization to a whole new world of risk.

Joe is compromised. And so is his job.

Not only is he compromised but he's managed to get a copy of Sinowal loaded on to his computer. Joe, being the finance director at the bank has access to all of the financial information of all of the bank's customers, and he uses this access to run reports. Joe is now responsible for exposing the records for all of the customers of the bank.

Ok, enough about Joe.

What I find interesting about this all is how in a matter of a few seconds, one can go from a nice clean site to an awful bodega of porn in a matter of a few clicks. Like six degrees of separation, the internet appears to be '6 clicks to porn', as in from any site you can end up at a porn site in 6 clicks...or less, depending on how internet savvy you are. Savvy?

It's like walking down a street in a major city and from block to block, you can go from the best part of the city, to the worst and most dangerous. To buy crack cocaine and obtain the services of a hooker. I don't know many people that would willingly walk down a dark dank avenue known to have muggers and other dangerous people. Yet, people do it daily on the internet.

Most users don't seem to put the two together. For some reason it's as if people still believe that computers are in a separate reality and whatever happens on a computer does not have the ability to affect real people or their lives.

If the saying is to be believed, that computers are deterministic, then it can easily be stated that computers don't do bad things. People using computers doing stupid things leads to computers doing bad or stupid things. So shame on you stupid people!

That said, in the case of Joe, do you think he should be punished or should you simply investigate the computer intrusion and ban the internet? Do your intrusion investigations lead to investigation of the people using the computer and ban them from procreating? Is Joe the Witness, the Perpetrator, or the Victim? What's your decision making process? What is the square root of 4 billion 500 thousand and two?

The Internet Is For Porn Song [remix] by Static

So let's say Joe hypothetically loses his job at the bank, which he does, and his car is repossessed for non-payment, his home is foreclosed for non-payment, and Joe hypothetically becomes homeless as a result, which he is. No one wants to hire a porn addicted banker! Not even McDonald's would hire such a sad sack of vermin.

He takes up the practice of HoBlogging - or hobo blogging..ie. the practice of Twittering without a nest, Googling devoid of an abode, IMing other internet hobos from the comfort of a public library, surfing for porn outside of your element.

How would this impact the world of social networking?

Why, it might mean the spread of information such as this:

How Not To Get A Job

Vice presidents and Personnel Directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:

* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
* Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
* Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
* Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
* Candidate brought large dog to interview.
* Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
* Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates:

* "What is it that you people do at this company?"
* "What is the company motto?"
* "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
* "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
* "Why do you want references?"
* "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
* "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
* "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
* "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
* "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
* "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
* "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
* "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
* "Why am I here?"

Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process:

* "I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
* "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
* "I feel uneasy indoors."
* "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
* "Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
* "I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."
* "I get excited very easily."
* "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
* "I am fascinated by fire."
* "I like tall women."
* "Whenever a man is with a woman, he is usually thinking about sex."
* "People are always watching me."
* "If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
* "Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
* "I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
* "I never get hungry."
* "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
* "If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
* "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
* "My legs are really hairy."
* "I think I'm going to throw up."

These quotes are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. (Note: all typographical errors, etc., are as intended.)

* "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
* "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
* "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
* "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
* "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial instutions."
* "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
* "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
* "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
* "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
* "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
* "Marital Status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
* "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
* "My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge."
* "I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant."
* "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
* "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
* "Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store."
* "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
* "Marital Status: often. Children: various."
* "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
* "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
* "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
* "References: none. I've left a path of descruction behind me."

OR

How Not To Get A Job
And Become A HoBlogging Internet Pornographic SEO Internet Marketing Guru Instead

* Go to a local public library
* Get on the internet
* Sign up for a free email account at Yahoo/Google etc.
* Sign up for a free account at Blogger/Wordpress, etc.
* Write like crazy
*Spam the fuck out of it at social networking sites, etc. like there's no tomorrow
*Tomorrow do it all over again

So as you can see it is possible to have a job "HoBlogging" and make some profit if you are homeless, whether you've lost your job because of the bad economy, or lost your job through your own stupidity...either way join this emerging trend and find a new career as a HoBlogger!

"Even I can't make this shit up."

- Static
on being homeless and HoBlogging

Krapsody's Nottie of the Week™ #7!

This Nottie tops the list.

Lonely Butcher Needs Fresh Meat


Hi there! Eddie Durvel here! Resident Axe Murderer!

I'm looking for a lady who likes long walks in the country

Someone shy who maybe doesn't have any friends or family

Likes to hang out in deserted heavy industry warehouses.

Not sporty or into self defence. Likes to give in easily.

Preferably Non-Smoker!

I like long walks and digging.

And of course my large collection of

vicious looking very shiny axes!

Contact me by email


And then wipe all trace of it off your computer

Hope to hear from you soon.

Want To Steal/Rape/Kill Again? Here's How To Gets Freaky Now! Limited Time Offer.

"I like to dissect girls. Did you know I'm utterly insane?"

- Patrick Bateman
American Psycho

Craigslist is running rampant with freaks! If you didn't realize this by now, then you have not been paying attention.

Institutions of Jocularity Part III: Funny Tax Laws

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
- the IRS man

After my post about the Internal Revenue Service last year, I just can't help but find more fodder for amusement whenever I deal with them. This installation of Institutions of Jocularity addresses tax laws that make you go, "hunh?"

As I was doing my taxes this year I looked up some information to see what kinds of income is considered taxable. Well, guess what? Surprises, surprises. Never a dull moment.

As a recipient of student loans and grants last year, I wanted to double check what the guidelines were for 2008 in receiving those payments, and if any of it was considered taxable. Some of it can be considered taxable, but only if it goes over a certain amount above tuition costs.

In my research, I also found some other interesting information about miscellaneous income. Just what is considered taxable income according to the U.S. Internal Revenue Service? Some of these are quite funny.


Bribes. If you receive a bribe, include it in your income.

Car pools. Do not include in your income amounts you receive from the passengers for driving a car in a car pool to and from work. These amounts are considered reimbursement for your expenses. However, this rule does not apply if you have developed car pool arrangements into a profit-making business of transporting workers for hire.

Emotional distress. Emotional distress itself is not a physical injury or physical sickness, but damages you receive for emotional distress due to a physical injury or sickness are treated as received for the physical injury or sickness. Do not include them in your income.

If the emotional distress is due to a personal injury that is not due to a physical injury or sickness (for example, unlawful discrimination or injury to reputation), you must include the damages in your income, except for any damages you receive for medical care due to that emotional distress. Emotional distress includes physical symptoms that result from emotional distress, such as headaches, insomnia, and stomach disorders.

Found property. If you find and keep property that does not belong to you that has been lost or abandoned (treasure-trove), it is taxable to you at its fair market value in the first year it is your undisputed possession.

Illegal activities. Income from illegal activities, such as money from dealing illegal drugs, must be included in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.

Kickbacks. You must include kickbacks, side commissions, push money, or similar payments you receive in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.

Example.

You sell cars and help arrange car insurance for buyers. Insurance brokers pay back part of their commissions to you for referring customers to them. You must include the kickbacks in your income.


Stolen property. If you steal property, you must report its fair market value in your income in the year you steal it unless in the same year, you return it to its rightful owner.


Pretty disconcerting, hunh? You think anybody that crooked (or lucky in some instances) would actually be stupid enough to report any of those earnings listed above?

To add insult to injury, millions of Americans enjoying their small windfall from President Barack Obama's "Making Work Pay" tax credit are in for an unpleasant surprise, not only this spring, but next year too. The government is going to want some of that money back.

The tax credit is supposed to provide up to $400 to individuals and $800 to married couples as part of the massive economic recovery package enacted back in February. Most workers started receiving the credit through small increases in their paychecks in recent months.

But new tax withholding tables issued by the IRS could cause millions of taxpayers to get hundreds of dollars more than they are entitled to under the credit, money that has to be repaid at tax time.

At-risk taxpayers include a broad swath of the public: married couples in which both spouses work; workers with more than one job; retirees who have federal income taxes withheld from their pension payments; Social Security recipients; jackolopes and other small furry woodland creatures with jobs that provide taxable income; and even people without jobs including the homeless, and those whose income is only peanuts and pocket lint.

The Internal Revenue Service acknowledges problems with the withholding tables but has done little to warn average taxpayers. Wow, what a novel idea..advance warning or notice..providing problem-free withholding tables?

These were probably the same math geniuses that AIG and Bank of America hired. Sometimes 2 + 2 doesn't equal 4, I guess in this case it equals -786,999,999,996...

that's 786 billion, 999 million, 999 thousand, 996 dollars - and 4 more dollars would equal the president's economic stimulus plan.

Actually, the monies are being paid under a new program known as GIT-MO-TO-VO-EX-FU-LA (an acronym for:)

GIT the MOney TO the VOters, EXplain the Fuck Up (self explanatory) LAter.

Hey, it takes the IRS to screw up the tax tables, and more than one president to screw up the economy. I don't think any of that was in the plan. Shit happens, constantly. If there's one constant in the universe it's not how much idiots suck, it's that shit happens.

But I guess everyone is entitled to a 'mulligan' once in a while.

Did ya file your taxes and get a nasty surprise? Luckily, I didn't notice much of a tax credit this year, but I'll be keeping a close eye on my paychecks so I don't end up owing these assholes more money. And if I do, I'll be taking advantage of my mulligan card.

This tax table fiasco must be part of a vast political conspiracy...perhaps an attack from left-wing right-wing chicken-wing representatives and their ass-kissing pundits? Depends on who you ask, but my money is on impartial, unaffiliated, unbiased incompetence, otherwise known as the Pass The Buck Party which states one mission > To blame somebody, anybody other than the people who are actually responsible.

And if you did get screwed by this already, well bend over, there's more of that where it came from..courtesy of Washington. And remember, votes do count. Until next time!


----------------
Listening to:

"Taxman" - The Beatles
"Money" - Pink Floyd
"I'm Gonna Force Feed that IRS Man My Tax Money in Pennies, Bitch" - Static

When Someone Ruins Your Kodak Moment

We've all been there before. A night out on the town or a day at the carnival, taking snapshots of you and your friends or family having fun to preserve the memories, and some dickweed from outta nowhere sticks their fat face in your pic.




Honestly, it sucks to have other people in the background of your shots, but sometimes it's unavoidable in public places. Most of the time it's an innocent mistake, people just don't realize they are in the background. But then there is the occasional jerk-in-the box who relishes such circumstances.

Like this waitress

No tip for you bitch.

You're a douchebag out nightclubbing with your homies, and to show how cool and attractive to the opposite sex you think you are, you have three girls pose with you and some other douchebag (probably your friend) in the background decides to go digging for gold at just the most inopportune moment evar.

Wilmer Valderrama is so cool man. I don't know if that's him, but even if this isn't him, he's still a douchebag.

Or how about the fat topless person creeping into your wedding photo?

That might be the most disgusting photo so far. Talk about wedding crashers.

A day at the beach can be ruined in a variety of ways.
Like for instance when the family dog answers the call of nature in your 'aren't they all so cute' photo


You're goofing around on the beach and 'I'll steal a quick candid snapshot' is interrupted by a skank with a hangover and a nasty case of the crabs who creeps into the viewfinder scratching at her pubes and the dried spunk on her crotch from her 20 guy creampie last night.


Beach combing is so much fun. You find a spot to relax and take a picture with your girlfriends and your Old Navy outfitted trendifuck metrosexual boyfriends decide they want to be in your picture too.

"Hey Chandler, guess who's doing the wobbly-h tonight? Ha ha ha ha!" STFU. Only you and your homophobic friends are doing gay sex acrobatics for everyone on the internet to see, assclowns.

You're on vacation and stop at a famous local bar. You take a snapshot before leaving to say, "I've been there" and some jaggoff lit up on Jager you shot down moments before presses his mudflaps to the window behind you.

That guy must do some serious manscaping to get his ass that smooth.

Every redneck sportsman in Hicksville wants to look cool to their buddies. Just slapping a deer rack over your fireplace isn't enough. No, you have to take pictures of you and your slaughtered animals you sick beast. Even more sick than that is when your dog decides to get frisky with the dead deer in your snapshot.

Did your pooch learn how to mount deer by watching you?

You look at your pictures on your camera phone and notice that one is interrupted by someone else's special moment.

Aww, isn't that romantic?

Camera phones are great aren't they? They are so useful. Since they became available every pervert in the world has been using them creatively for upskirt shots and more.

Wonder why junior spends so much time in the bathroom?

You know you aren't going to get too many calls for your personal ad when Scooby and Shaggy think you're face is pretty spooky.


Finally, nothing could piss you off more when you are trying to have an intimate moment with your SUV and YOUR FACE ruins the picture!

Talk about getting some tail...pipe.

The Five Stages of Grief

Anyone familiar with the Cartoon Network - Adult Swim animation series Robot Chicken knows how great and goddamn funny the sketch comedy is. There was a clip I came across while browsing on YouTube, that addresses the Five Stages of Grief, ironically..considering my recent loss, it was quite apropo.

Man!...death...I mean Seth Green is amusing! Good grief, Charlie Brown. Watch the vid...

Really, there's nothing all that "knee-slapping" funny about death or dying. Actually, in retrospect once you're past the shock of the experience, just about anything can have an element of humor.

Why just the other day I was attacked by a mob of clinically depressed circus clown retirees upset over my lame 'anti-anti-comedy manifesto'. They tasered me, shredded my hand in a blender, and poured battery acid all over my genitals. And looking back now..it was HILARIOUS!

Ask Static: The Fifth Element

And now...another moment of venting and rage spewed upon the intarwib and your unlucky eyeballs.